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Army Skills


Q: Me? Doing Army Skills? After I was voted ‘Least Likely To Be a Squaddie’ four years in a row?
A: Yes you, little old you, with all that... business on your face.
Q: It’s called a beard with some egg and tattoos. So what army tricks can I perform?
A: In two words: a variety. In slightly more words, we have exciting ventures such as SWAT Training, Hostage Recovery, Riot Training and Armed Bodyguard Training.
Q: Sounds intense. Is it?
A: It can be. These events are physical in nature and so you should have a reasonable level of fitness. Any underlying medical conditions must be discussed with the organisers when booking. You’ll be running around, there may be some explosions and paintball or similar firearm action. There may be the odd bruise here and there, but you’re in the army now! The pretend army.
Q: That sounds scary. Can I bring a friend or 12?
A: We would love that! Usually, with these activities, there will be a group of you, about 12 on Dame Edna Average. If you have less than that in your group, you will be placed with others to make up the numbers. If you want to book for a group, just update the 'Quantity' field next to "Add to Basket" in the booking bit.
Q: So where on Earth do I go?
A: Most of our Army extravaganzas are just outside Droitwich, in a specially prepared location where combat and battlefield scenarios can be easily simulated.
Q: Should I wear my ‘Sergeant Joe Tevlon Body Armour Play Set Uniform’?
A: That won’t be a necessary thing. Usually you should wear lightweight walking trousers, a long sleeved sweatshirt and sports socks. Miracle people with feet sized 11 or over should plan to bring their own appropriate outdoor footwear. All the rest of the ‘kit’ or ‘gear’ will be provided on the day.
Q: And who will be training me?
A: Very experienced army types. Our trainers are real-life, ex-military or police instructors who have seen active service in Northern Ireland and Bosnia.
Q: And can anyone have a go? Even Scorpios? The least militarily efficient sign of the Zodiac?
A: There may be some height, weight and age restrictions for these types of events. And more of a selection process with something like the Riot Training, for obvious reasons. If you have any thoughts or queries about this sort of thing, just get in touch with us and the supplier.
Q: Can I bring my family along to laugh at silly daddy in his riot helmet?
A: I’m afraid not. Due to the nature of this activity, spectators aren’t allowed on site.
Q: Running around with a gun is all fine and dandy, but I want to be in a tank. How may you appease me?
A: In excellent ways. We have a fabulous Tank Paintballing adventure, where you mount a modified 432 APC tank and do battle. You will be shown how to drive the tank, aim the cannon, load the breech and fire the air-powered gun. Like a big proper army man.

Fun Facts

  • 1. The current largest army in the world is the People's Liberation Army of China with 2,250,000 active troops and 800,000 reserve personnel. Though my diabolical insect army will soon overtake them, all I have to do is to teach insects follow orders and I’ll be laughing.
  • 2. The Spartan Army was one of the earliest known professional armies between the 6th and 4th centuries BC. And, if the film Meet the Spartans is anything to go by, they were occasionally hilarious.
  • 3. 30 of the 43 US Presidents served in the Army, 24 during time of war, with two earning the rank of 5-star General. But how many stars is that out of? If it’s 5 stars out of a hundred, then that’s not a very good General.
  • 4. The Navy’s bell-bottom trousers are believed to have been introduced in 1817 to make it easier to wash down the decks, remove them in a hurry when forced to abandon ship or when washed overboard. And so they could fit in when attending 1970’s themed stag do’s.
  • 5. The US Air Force's F-117 fighter uses aerodynamics discovered during research into how bumblebees fly. So they both have wings, is that what they’re telling us?
  • 6. The word SWAT is an acronym for ‘Special Weapons and Tactics’. Also for ‘Super Wide Arsed Trousers’ but that one isn’t used so much.
  • 7. One of the first SWAT teams was established as a part of the Los Angeles Police Department in 1967, by Inspector Daryl Gates. To curb that growing hippy menace, hopefully.
  • 8. To conserve metal during World War II, Oscar statuettes were made out of wood. Insert your gag about wooden acting right here.
  • 9. During the American Civil War, all officers of the Confederate army were given copies of Victor Hugo's book Les Miserables to be carried at all times. They must have got those songs stuck in their heads all the time.
  • 10. When Lawrence of Arabia led the British into battle during World War I, he used a fleet of nine Rolls Royces to transport some of his men. Warfare was much more classy back then. Unless you were in a trench.