Posts By: Dale

“I Do”: How To Ask Somebody To Marry You

Posted by & filed under Factoid, Infographics.

As my fiancee shouts at me every morning, ‘Wedding is just one letter away from weeding.” I have no idea what she means by this and I think that’s why the relationship works. A baffling coupling based on confusion and wrong-footedness. And when that special day comes and we finally confirm our nuptials, I’m sure we’ll perform it in a particularly exasperating way. Perhaps with one us dressed as a Victorian urchin and the other as Mr. T as oompah music blares. We’re just those kinds of people. But we are not alone in wanting to start our married life in a unique and  exceptional way. All across the planet, couples are pledging their troth in a staggering amount of peculiar ways, with some of the most bizarre displayed in the lovely illustration which lives below these words. And if you want this delightful artefact for your own devices then simply help yourself to code at the bottom of the page and have at it.

Reptilian Shapeshifters: Which Celebrities Are Really Reptiles?

Posted by & filed under Celebrities, How To..., Infographics.

I think there can be no doubt at all that some of us are aliens. There’s simply too much evidence out there and too many blogs, sites and niche magazines dedicated to the fact. But there seems to be a massive proportion of the famous and renowned who were born as thinly disguised reptiles, arrived here from another planet and decided to pursue a career in light entertainment while avidly observing our behaviour. A few brave souls, particularly on YouTube, are dedicated to unmasking these lizard people for the baddies that they are and telling the world who is a shapeshifter and why. Here are a few of the top candidates, with indefatigable proof included. GEORGE BUSH Not George W. Bush, he is merely the son of an alien, but his dad, George Bush Snr, the one that Homer Simpson beat up. In this video, you can see that his fearful reptillian eyes shape-shift in a weird manner during a debate with Bill Clinton (probably another alien, he just hides it better). Others claim his weird eyes are down to demonic possession. Either way, it’s not good. PAUL McCARTNEY You’ll see a whole host of reptillian shape-shifters on offer in…

British Summer Time: 11 Things You Won’t See Anywhere Else

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Ahhhhhh! Is there anything more glorious than a British summer? The intrigue, the confusion, the unpredictability. Sadly, other countries have to suffer the unfortunate condition whereby they endure months of uniform heat and sunshine. Now how is that supposed to keep you on your toes and form character? No, give me the UK summertime any day with it’s biting winds, sudden sleet and lobster red participants. And when you do luxuriate in our finest of seasons, keep your eye out for these idiosyncratic happenings. DOGS OUTSIDE PUBS DRINKING WATER FROM FRAY BENTOS TINS Some locations have their palm trees, tranquil lakes and unusual insects. But I challenge you to find any other country that has so many hot dogs standing in the street noisily lapping water from an oven-baked pie tin.  It brings a lump to the throat every time you witness it, especially if it’s a labrador. BUSINESSMEN LOOKING CONSPICUOUS AS THEY EAT SOLEROS Some things just look out of place when wearing a suit. Limboing. Deep fat frying. And, of course, eating luxury ice lollies. But once the temperature hits a certain point, you simply have no choice except to duck into a newsagents and avail yourself of…

How To Win A Competitive Eating Competition

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What is competitive eating? Let me answer that with another question. What do you think it is, idiot? Yes, competitive eating is exactly what you think it is, cramming various food items into your face (and stomach) over a particular period of time. Whoever eats the most, wins the toast (if it’s a toast eating contest). But how do munching mavericks like Kobayashi, Joey Chestnut and Sonya Thomas achieve these feats? Watch and learn (and then eat). THE BACKGROUND You might think it’s just some crazed restaurant owner who tries to drum up business by having various local lunatics chow down on an unfeasibly large amount of carbs, but that simply isn’t the case. There’s not one but two official food eating federations: the International Federation of Competitive Eaters (IFOCE) and the Association of Independent Competitive Eaters (AICE). Both groups oversee and invigilate feats of food eating all over the world. But there’s a major rule differential between the two. With AICE food has to be eaten as presented with no mashing, blending or dunking. With IFOCE anything goes, squish it, poke it, rub it, they don’t care as long as it gets in your tummy. Now there are eating…

How To Become The Pope & Lead the Catholic Church

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Is your food cart that sells ‘Hot Bitter Sausages’ not doing so well? Are things looking dicey at Snappy Snaps? Are your parents losing patience with your vocation as a ‘Action Poet’ and are planning to kick you to the curb? Sounds like you need a new career. Have you considered becoming pope? The money’s decent, the uniform’s thrown in and you get your own mobile. Sounds pretty sweet, doesn’t it? So what steps do you need to take in order to get in that big golden throne and wearing that pointy hat? Just watch and learn… BECOME A CATHOLIC I know, right? I had no idea. I always assumed that line about ‘is the pope Catholic?’ was just a crazy gag, but it turns out the pope IS Catholic. So you need to be Catholic too. So firstly, you have to believe in God. If this doesn’t apply to you, then being a pope might not be your thing. If you find that you do believe in God, but were raised in some different branch of the church, or another religion, you’ll need to begin the RCIA or Catholic education classes. Research and find a local Catholic church and…

How to Survive Comic Con

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Look around you. Are you unable to leave your property due to piles of comic books? Do you have more action figures than Facebook friends? Are you wearing a cape? If so, you may well be a self-proclaimed nerd, geek, dweeb or Big Bang Theory cast member and a visit to a Comic-Con (or a Comic Book Convention to the confused) is almost certainly in your near future. Not that there’s just comics. Now these Cons feature movie stars giving previews of their latest efforts, panels on TV shows, signings, toy sales and all sorts. But if you’ve never attended one before, or you’re being dragged along by what we refer to round here as a ‘reading friend’, then here’s a quick guide on being there and not going insane. BEFORE YOU GO Apparently you can’t simply dress like Captain Violence and saunter into your local convention centre like you owned the place. Depending on which Comic-Con you’re attending (a stipulation that applies to most of these tips) there will almost certainly be a complicated membership registration/badge purchase system implemented. This will have to be done well in advance, as will, if you’re visiting one of the bigger conventions like…

How To Apologise (& Mean It)

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We live in an age of apology. Every day some celebrity, sport’s star or politician tells the world that they are sorry for some indiscretion they were caught performing. And as you may have noticed, very often they are not good at it. Especially if they don’t actually mean it. But you can make a verbal recompense for something and appear legitimate. Just try these few simple techniques… FIND OUT WHAT YOU DID There’s nothing worse than launching into a fully fledged apology without actually knowing what it was you did. Before you go anywhere near the S word, establish the facts. You can do this by saying, ‘Look, there’s been a lot of crazy accusations flying around, tell me exactly what you heard.’ If they reply, ‘You know exactly what you’ve done.’ then you are screwed and you should throw yourself to the floor begging forgiveness. Otherwise get all the information you possibly can, just to make sure full remorse is necessary. WARNING: Clip has some bad words in it. SETTING Heading to a neutral space for apology reasons is the cowards way out. You know that whoever you’re saying sorry to will probably not freak out in a restaurant…

How To Talk Dirty To Your Man/Woman [British Edition]

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  If we are to believe glossy magazines, local news programmes and bridge graffiti, then engaging in sexually explicit conversation is a vital part of modern lovemaking. Alongside ‘devices’ and ‘flimsy underwear’ it adds a much needed novelty aspect to the whole endeavour. But if you have been raised, properly, in the British Isles, the thought of this undertaking would surely fill you with revulsion and immediate self-loathing. So how can it be achieved? Here’s a handy guide to talking dirty but still remaining a stolid citizen. SETTING Good areas for this pursuit to occur are the bedroom, the spare bedroom and, on very rare occasions, (possibly a birthday or significant anniversary) the kitchen. Don’t embark on this sort of activity out in public, at a sporting event, while in a motor vehicle, while working heavy machinery or at the seaside. Your own home or a discreet hotel are both acceptable. Ensure that all doors are locked, windows are sealed and heavy furniture is placed against the door where the ribald speech is to be engaged.   HOW TO INITIATE Like most conversations, you should begin with a firm handshake  towards your partner (who is presumably, and I think legally,…

Britain VS Americans: Who is Better & Why?

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Ever since we discovered them a couple of hundred years ago (give or take) and gave them language and shoes, there has been a certain rivalry between the nations of Great Britain and the United States of America. We sent them The Beatles, they retaliated with Madonna. We have Bond, they have Bourne. They came and helped out during World War II, so we sent over Russell Brand to star in Arthur. But we feel this tension has to come to an end. So we have devised this very scientific survey to decipher once and for all who is the greatest country-based area. Is it us or is it them. Or is it Canada? (Just kidding, it’s never Canada). COUNTRY SHAPE If aliens do attack the planet (and they will, just listen to David Icke) they’ll look down at all those country outlines and think ‘Which one is the nicest? We’ll start by invading that one.’ Obviously it’ll be a toss-up between the British isles and North America. And while the UK resembles a little man turned to the left and shaking hands with Ireland, America looks more like flattened out pastry when you roll it out wrong and have…

How To Return To Real Life After Glastonbury

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WOW! That was some Glastonbury Festival wasn’t it? The weather was so… inconsistent. There was the AMAZING return of that guy who sang that song in the 1970’s. using the apple phone cases for iphone 6 Remember that guy with the great big flag who stood right in front of you during your favourite musical outfit? But now you’re back in your bedsit/childhood bedroom/car with nothing but your memories and that rash. Isn’t it terrible? You need to readjust to your boring, non-tent based life – but don’t throw yourself into your old routine too quickly or you could end up with a condition known as ‘Post Glasto Bends’ where you freak out, grow some dreads and become the bass player in Ozric Tentacles. And nobody wants that. Instead follow these few simple tips to help you slip back into your old existence without too many harmful repercussions. DON’T WASH Smell is considered one of the most powerful senses. And you are sure to smell your most powerful on the Monday morning after a major festival. By showering or having someone hose you down in the driveway, all those olfactory memories will soon be washed away, along with that unfortunate…