Posts By: Dale

How To Be Interesting

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Let me make one thing painfully clear. I am an idiot. I am not smart at all. My intellectual capacities are considered poor at best. Nicknames I have endured during my life have included ‘Dummy’, ‘Gumpy’ and ‘Old Dung For Brains’. But, by listening to people who are smarter than me and by taking covert notes or secretly recording them, I have picked up a few salient phrases and culturally relevant sentences that make me sound vaguely clever when dropped into the heart of a conversation. Let me share them with you. If, after you let one of these beauties fly, someone questions you further, either fake a heart attack or burst into tears. Then run. “YOU KNOW THE STAR WARS FILMS HAVE SUFFERED SINCE THEY STOPPED BEING BASED ON KUROSAWA FILMS” Perfect for dropping into conversations with film buffs, comic book nerds or sci-fi geeks. The parallels between the first Star Wars film and Akira Kurosawa’s The Hidden Fortress have been drawn for years and George Lucas admitted that he basically stole the plot from the Japanese film, then changed it significantly, then stole it again for Phantom Menace. Works best when spoken snottily. “WITH THE RITE OF SPRING,…

9 Sexy Memes That Went Extinct

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Amazingly, sex was not invented by the Millennials. We did have erotic artefacts and suggestive materials back in the deep, dark, pre-internet days. They were all just really, really weird. And not very sexy. Almost as if we couldn’t really cope with that actual hanky-panky itself and had to dress the whole process up in a variety of novelty items and odd movements. They truly were innocent, baffling times. RUDE FOOD Back in the early 1980’s, pictures of naked people were considered far more acceptable and tantalising when a variety of fruits and vegetables were stuck on top of or near to the participants private parts. In the old days, you couldn’t move for nudes with a tastefully draped pineapple obscuring their modesty or else a couple of kumquats replicating the disguised organs, released as several volumes of a hardback, coffee table book called Rude Food. Many confused newlyweds fruitlessly searched for the fruit on their honeymoon. SUGGESTIVE ARM GESTURES Drop a sexy lady into any 1970’s sitcom or saucy English movie and you would be guaranteed to see a vicar tugging at his shirt collar before riding his bike into a hedge and a labourer of some variety vigorously…

British Summer Time: 11 Things You Won’t See Anywhere Else

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Ahhhhhh! Is there anything more glorious than a British summer? The intrigue, the confusion, the unpredictability. Sadly, other countries have to suffer the unfortunate condition whereby they endure months of uniform heat and sunshine. Now how is that supposed to keep you on your toes and form character? No, give me the UK summertime any day with it’s biting winds, sudden sleet and lobster red participants. And when you do luxuriate in our finest of seasons, keep your eye out for these idiosyncratic happenings. DOGS OUTSIDE PUBS DRINKING WATER FROM FRAY BENTOS TINS Some locations have their palm trees, tranquil lakes and unusual insects. But I challenge you to find any other country that has so many hot dogs standing in the street noisily lapping water from an oven-baked pie tin.  It brings a lump to the throat every time you witness it, especially if it’s a labrador. BUSINESSMEN LOOKING CONSPICUOUS AS THEY EAT SOLEROS Some things just look out of place when wearing a suit. Limboing. Deep fat frying. And, of course, eating luxury ice lollies. But once the temperature hits a certain point, you simply have no choice except to duck into a newsagents and avail yourself of…

How To Avoid Any Socially Awkward Situation

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Whether it’s a wedding with a hidden agenda, a christening that goes too far or simply a party-based conversation that is making you consider a trip to the Dignitas clinic, we all find ourselves in awkward social situations with alarming frequency. And unless you’re an Estate Agent, you don’t want to just use rudeness to extract yourself from the arena of woe. So how can you get out of there without any lasting damage to your standing in the community? Here are a few tips, tricks and techniques… START CRYING The water that leaps from your face can be the fuel for your escape in practically every terrible scenario. No matter what the conversation concerns or the occasion denotes, once things are starting to veer towards the interminable, just place a hand to your cheek, say something like ‘Oh Martin, how could you?’ while staring off into the distance and let the waterworks fly. If they insist on helping you in your time of emotional grief, just tell them you need to take an important tablet and head to the bathroom. MAKE YOUR PHONE DO SOMETHING Why were the bad old days so bad? Because no one had a mobile phone that…

How To Make Steamy Movie Scenes Less Embarrassing

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Obviously, the find the whole idea of X-rated entertainment and erotic cinematic elements to be vile and unethical. But there is no escaping it. We are now bombarded with love scenes from every television soap opera, foreign film and petrol station forecourt. And we are appalled. What about us pure, upstanding individuals who are forced to experience this stuff? Surely there’s some room for invention in an attempt to keep us feeling less embarrassed, especially if our mum is in the room? I believe the following elements would vastly  improve adult situations when they crop up and make them more palatable to those of us who consider the whole thing utterly wicked. TRIVIA SECTION If you are of a queasy nature (like myself) you’ll often be squirming in your seat when some rude scenario suddenly appears on screen. But if some competition element was introduced, I could be entertained and distracted during those bits. Perhaps a Krypton Factor style observation quiz could be added, with questions appearing at the end of the scene along the lines of ‘What colour were the curtains?’, ‘Which female celebrity does that lady look like?’ or ‘How would you react if your gran walked in right now?’ Just for…

James Bond VS Jason Bourne: Who’s Hardest?

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If you were to run up to a stranger in the street and scream into their faces, ‘Quickly, who are the two premiere male spy movie icons in the world?’ they would almost certainly reply with fear, ‘James Bond and Jason Bourne. Please don’t hurt me.’ And they would be right! But who is the better espionage agent, the classic, crusty, drunken James Bond or the young, brain-damaged usurper Jason Bourne. Let’s find out together… INITIALS If you are to be a true gentleman spy, then initials are vitally important. You’ll want to have every possible possession monogrammed, even if you are traveling incognito. Of course, with both James and Jason they are JB’s. But, as is so often the case with these things, it’s more complicated than that. Jason is actually JCB, having the middle name Charles, which is a lot better than Bond’s plain old JB. But let us not forget, Jason Bourne isn’t really Jason Bourne, it’s just one of his many aliases. As far as we can assess, he is really called David Webb, which is a rubbish name. And DW are rubbish initials. WINNER: BOND PUNCHING Certainly, Bond can use his fists when he is…

The Next Star Wars: Our Movie Plot Predictions

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It’s going to be the biggest cultural event in the history of mankind (and animalkind) so far. Yes, we had lots of hype surrounding the last batch of Star Wars films and, yes, they were all slightly disappointing. But things are going to be be completely different this time. I mean, how crazy would they be to make the same mistakes again, right? So, with a mere 18 months until Episode VII is released, here’s what we think will happen… THE FULL TITLE At the moment, the film is only known as ‘Episode VII’, with the full name yet to be revealed. We know it takes place 30 years or so after Return of the Jedi and involves a bunch of youngsters as well as the original cast, so something hip and child-friendly will probably be incorporated. Maybe something along the lines of Star Wars Episode VII – ‘Han Yolo Twerks a Selfie’ or similar. THE RETURN OF THE CANTINA BAND Easily the stand-out moment of the original film, A New Hope, was the appearance of the tootling space-jazz band, who were seen rocking out in the Mos Eisley Cantina. But what have the guys been up to since then? Episode VII…

How To Win A Competitive Eating Competition

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What is competitive eating? Let me answer that with another question. What do you think it is, idiot? Yes, competitive eating is exactly what you think it is, cramming various food items into your face (and stomach) over a particular period of time. Whoever eats the most, wins the toast (if it’s a toast eating contest). But how do munching mavericks like Kobayashi, Joey Chestnut and Sonya Thomas achieve these feats? Watch and learn (and then eat). THE BACKGROUND You might think it’s just some crazed restaurant owner who tries to drum up business by having various local lunatics chow down on an unfeasibly large amount of carbs, but that simply isn’t the case. There’s not one but two official food eating federations: the International Federation of Competitive Eaters (IFOCE) and the Association of Independent Competitive Eaters (AICE). Both groups oversee and invigilate feats of food eating all over the world. But there’s a major rule differential between the two. With AICE food has to be eaten as presented with no mashing, blending or dunking. With IFOCE anything goes, squish it, poke it, rub it, they don’t care as long as it gets in your tummy. Now there are eating…

The Least Fit Sportsmen In History

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In recent times we’ve been spoiled by a plethora of incredible sporting events. The Olympics, World Cup and Commonwealth Games have all showcased athletes at the height of their powers and peak physical fitness. But let’s not forget that for every Mo Farah and Hulk, there’s a schlub like you and me excelling in their chosen field with a minimal amount of effort. This is a celebration of those champion sporting figures who were world-beaters and still knew their way around a pie and a pint. ‘BIG’ BILL WERBENIUK A snooker behemoth who was as well known for his feats of drinking as he was for his cueing skills. His average intake was a pint per frame, which usually equalled around a dozen or so per game. It’s reported that he once drank 76 cans of lager during a game against John Spencer in the 1970’s. And he is probably the only champion sportsman who has a section of his Wikipedia entry titled ‘Trouser Splitting Incident’. It just goes to show you the power of multi-tasking – if you are good at two things (like snooker and drinking) why not combine them? JOCKY WILSON Thanks to the smoking ban and…

How to Have a Wedding on the Cheap

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  Hurrah! You are about the become betrothed to the person you love. Commiserations! You are skint and that situation is not going to change anytime soon. There’s only one thing for it. A scrimpy, savey, wedding on the cheap. All corners will be cut,  all pennies will be pinched, all buffet items will be from Iceland (or lower). But if you simply don’t know where to start with your budget nuptials, here are a few tips to get you going. THE ENGAGEMENT Before you can even begin to think about your miserly wedding, you need to plan your miserly engagement. The ring is going to be the biggest outlay, so you need to start hunting for bargains. Remember that ‘second hand’ is just another word for ‘vintage’. Find a classic deco sparker on eBay (obviously being careful and researching exactly what you’re getting) or take a trip to the Jewellery Quarter in either Birmingham or London. Or perhaps you can gently suggest that their may be a beloved family heirloom that can be used for extra emotional resonance. Worth a try. THE PLANNING The important thing to do is organise a budget and then stick to it like a…