Posts By: Dale

How To Become The Pope & Lead the Catholic Church

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Is your food cart that sells ‘Hot Bitter Sausages’ not doing so well? Are things looking dicey at Snappy Snaps? Are your parents losing patience with your vocation as a ‘Action Poet’ and are planning to kick you to the curb? Sounds like you need a new career. Have you considered becoming pope? The money’s decent, the uniform’s thrown in and you get your own mobile. Sounds pretty sweet, doesn’t it? So what steps do you need to take in order to get in that big golden throne and wearing that pointy hat? Just watch and learn… BECOME A CATHOLIC I know, right? I had no idea. I always assumed that line about ‘is the pope Catholic?’ was just a crazy gag, but it turns out the pope IS Catholic. So you need to be Catholic too. So firstly, you have to believe in God. If this doesn’t apply to you, then being a pope might not be your thing. If you find that you do believe in God, but were raised in some different branch of the church, or another religion, you’ll need to begin the RCIA or Catholic education classes. Research and find a local Catholic church and…

How to Survive Comic Con

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Look around you. Are you unable to leave your property due to piles of comic books? Do you have more action figures than Facebook friends? Are you wearing a cape? If so, you may well be a self-proclaimed nerd, geek, dweeb or Big Bang Theory cast member and a visit to a Comic-Con (or a Comic Book Convention to the confused) is almost certainly in your near future. Not that there’s just comics. Now these Cons feature movie stars giving previews of their latest efforts, panels on TV shows, signings, toy sales and all sorts. But if you’ve never attended one before, or you’re being dragged along by what we refer to round here as a ‘reading friend’, then here’s a quick guide on being there and not going insane. BEFORE YOU GO Apparently you can’t simply dress like Captain Violence and saunter into your local convention centre like you owned the place. Depending on which Comic-Con you’re attending (a stipulation that applies to most of these tips) there will almost certainly be a complicated membership registration/badge purchase system implemented. This will have to be done well in advance, as will, if you’re visiting one of the bigger conventions like…

How To Travel Like Homer Simpson

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In their many and highly-comical adventures, the family Simpson have pretty much travelled everywhere. Over 26 seasons they’ve touched down in a staggering number of countries and upset many of the denizens of abroad. And despite the fact that most of these vacations involve Homer getting his head stuck in something, they can prove to be highly educational. I mean, how would we know about Australia’s odd forms of punishment, Italy’s drunken children or Brazil’s monkey problem without the Simpsons? So if you are jetting off to somewhere tropical this summer, here’s how Homer tackled a visit to these foreign nations. AUSTRALIA Remember, the environmental balance in Australia is very delicate, so if you are planning to introduce any foreign, invasive species, make sure that you don’t get caught, otherwise the natural punishment is to be kicked with a giant boot in parliament. If you are spotted dropping bullfrogs into airport fountains and decide that escape via kangaroo is the best option remember that their pouches are pretty mucous filled. The national pastime in Australia is a game called ‘Knifey Spoony’ so make sure you have your special gaming cutlery on you at all times. The currency is known as ‘dollaridoos’ with which…

How To Apologise (& Mean It)

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We live in an age of apology. Every day some celebrity, sport’s star or politician tells the world that they are sorry for some indiscretion they were caught performing. And as you may have noticed, very often they are not good at it. Especially if they don’t actually mean it. But you can make a verbal recompense for something and appear legitimate. Just try these few simple techniques… FIND OUT WHAT YOU DID There’s nothing worse than launching into a fully fledged apology without actually knowing what it was you did. Before you go anywhere near the S word, establish the facts. You can do this by saying, ‘Look, there’s been a lot of crazy accusations flying around, tell me exactly what you heard.’ If they reply, ‘You know exactly what you’ve done.’ then you are screwed and you should throw yourself to the floor begging forgiveness. Otherwise get all the information you possibly can, just to make sure full remorse is necessary. WARNING: Clip has some bad words in it. SETTING Heading to a neutral space for apology reasons is the cowards way out. You know that whoever you’re saying sorry to will probably not freak out in a restaurant…

How To Drink Absinthe (& Not Go Insane)

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It is considered the scariest thing sitting behind the bartender’s head. The legends surrounding absinthe have been swirling around for generations. The ‘green fairy’ that poisons the drinker’s mind with Wormwood and causes hallucinations, wooziness and even madness. It’s even illegal, right? No, not for years. The levels of neotoxins contained in the drink and thought to affect mental cognition are too small to cause any trouble. So it’s not as dangerous as some fear, but it is still strong… and delicious! If you prepare it correctly. WHAT IS THIS STUFF ANYWAY? Like Coca Cola, Cornflakes and Irn-Bru (probably) absinthe may have started life as a medicinal tonic, brewed by a French doctor living in Switzerland. Though Wormwood infused wine had been in the drinks cabinets of the Ancient Greeks. It’s a flavoured spirit, featuring an infusion of herbs and flowers including sweet fennel, green anise and grande wormwood, plus a possible selection of other herbs such as hyssop, peppermint and coriander. The base ingredients will create a clear spirit (which is sold as ‘Absinthe Blanche’) but the addition of these herbs turns the concoction green and adds more flavour to the over-riding liquorice flavour of the anise. The craziness…

How To Take A Penalty & Not Miss

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It’s one of the most anxious situations in sport. Other than being late to film your Head and Shoulders commercial. A penalty is as stressful as taking your driving test, being cross-examined in court and finding a strange lump on your upper inner thigh all rolled into one. And yet it should be so simple. Just kick the ball into the hole, avoiding that big man in the way. But so many footballing millionaires fail to do it. Why? Here are just some of the reasons we have unearthed for trained professionals missing a spot-kick, with video evidence included. ANKLE FATIGUE A strange, rare sporting condition where the player involved (in this instance Del Piero) suddenly has the leg power of a wounded fawn. Without warning, all the momentum is drained form the lower leg, causing the victim to lightly tap the ball in the vague direction of the goalie, as is kicking a packet of Jaffa Cakes across the floor towards your stoned flatmate. DISCOLOURED BALLS Footballers are a superstitious lot, so any sudden changes in routine and environment can throw them off and cause upset. Which explains why, after years and years of kicking a white ball around the pitch, the…

How To Talk Dirty To Your Man/Woman [British Edition]

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  If we are to believe glossy magazines, local news programmes and bridge graffiti, then engaging in sexually explicit conversation is a vital part of modern lovemaking. Alongside ‘devices’ and ‘flimsy underwear’ it adds a much needed novelty aspect to the whole endeavour. But if you have been raised, properly, in the British Isles, the thought of this undertaking would surely fill you with revulsion and immediate self-loathing. So how can it be achieved? Here’s a handy guide to talking dirty but still remaining a stolid citizen. SETTING Good areas for this pursuit to occur are the bedroom, the spare bedroom and, on very rare occasions, (possibly a birthday or significant anniversary) the kitchen. Don’t embark on this sort of activity out in public, at a sporting event, while in a motor vehicle, while working heavy machinery or at the seaside. Your own home or a discreet hotel are both acceptable. Ensure that all doors are locked, windows are sealed and heavy furniture is placed against the door where the ribald speech is to be engaged.   HOW TO INITIATE Like most conversations, you should begin with a firm handshake  towards your partner (who is presumably, and I think legally,…

How To Dance Like Nobody’s Watching

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It’s a phrase we’ve heard a lot in recent times. ‘Dance like nobody’s watching’. It was famously coined in the past by a very notable person. But what exactly does it mean? How do you go about it? Can it improve and inspire your life? Does it hurt? All these questions and some other ones will be answered in good time. By following these simple steps you’ll soon be dancing like nobody’s watching you. STEP 1: MINDSET Dancing like nobody’s watching isn’t about dancing. In fact, that’s the last thing that it’s about. Until you get to the bit with the dancing. But before then it’s all about attitude. A distinctly selfish attitude. You basically have to assume that you are the only important factor on the planet right now and you have no regard whatsoever for anything else, be they animal vegetable or pliable. You have to fully convince yourself that no one else exists. And anyone that does exist, you can drive away by your behaviour. This mental attitude begins at home. Start by refusing to answer the door, ignoring phone calls and allowing bills to pile up. Change your Facebook status to ‘Dead’. Insult or attack close friends or family…

Britain VS Americans: Who is Better & Why?

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Ever since we discovered them a couple of hundred years ago (give or take) and gave them language and shoes, there has been a certain rivalry between the nations of Great Britain and the United States of America. We sent them The Beatles, they retaliated with Madonna. We have Bond, they have Bourne. They came and helped out during World War II, so we sent over Russell Brand to star in Arthur. But we feel this tension has to come to an end. So we have devised this very scientific survey to decipher once and for all who is the greatest country-based area. Is it us or is it them. Or is it Canada? (Just kidding, it’s never Canada). COUNTRY SHAPE If aliens do attack the planet (and they will, just listen to David Icke) they’ll look down at all those country outlines and think ‘Which one is the nicest? We’ll start by invading that one.’ Obviously it’ll be a toss-up between the British isles and North America. And while the UK resembles a little man turned to the left and shaking hands with Ireland, America looks more like flattened out pastry when you roll it out wrong and have…

How To Bribe: A Cinematic Guide

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Obviously bribery is very bad. Possibly illegal in some countries. We do not condone it or advise it. Good honest hard work and constant prayer are a far more effective method of getting ahead in life. But, in theory, if you were playing a briber in a local amateur dramatics production or decided to dress up as one for Halloween, how would you go about it? Ironically, as it is the cleanest, most respectful and wholesome industry on the planet, Hollywood can provide some very useful tips on corruption, from the best approach to novel delivery techniques. Watch and learn (but don’t replicate). THE PIE BRIBE (The Shawshank Redemption) One of the problems with bribery is actually delivering the contraband to the bribee without raising suspicions. One sure-fire to achieve this is via pies. Sweet pies work better than meat ones (the gravy can get the money greasy) just make sure they are large enough to cover and conceal the cash. THE DOUGHNUT BRIBE (Strange Brew) And sometimes you don’t even need the cash, just the dessert will do! As this scene from the little seen classic Strange Brew indicates. So if you are planning to add a little corruption to…