Posts By: Dale

How To Be Better at Conversation & Small Talk

Posted by & filed under How To....

I’ve noticed recently that the number of occasions when people flee from my company as I begin talking to them is roughly down to single figures for each day, so I now consider myself to have the gift of the gab. Yes, I am one of those tremendously fortuitous individuals who can simply open up a conversation with practically anyone and they will stand there, rigid with admiration, unable to speak due to my fascinating insights and gesturing frantically to passers-by, so they can join them and also enjoy my words. My abilities and techniques have been slowly assembled over many years and I am finally ready to share them with you lucky, lucky people. So sit back, pour yourself a Lucozade and prepare to learn my trade secrets of polite, enthralling conversation. THE OPENING This is always the most difficult gambit when initiating a conversation with someone. Do you try the traditional ‘hello’? The more relaxed ‘hi’? Or something more unorthodox like ‘ZAPPY PAPPY ZAPPY PAPPY’ screamed at quite a high register. Well, even novices like yourselves will realise that it should be this last one. You only have a few microseconds to make an impression and allow this person to understand that you…

How To Shoot a Semi-Automatic Gun

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OK, first things first hotshot. What is a semi-automatic weapon? Put simply it’s a gun that ejects a spent shell then loads a bullet into the chamber after the first one is fired (if there’s one available). Unlike those dang muskets that I’ve been favouring lately, which are a pain to load, but do look really nice. They can come in pistol, shotgun or rifle varieties (semi-automatics, not muskets). They are different to automatic firearms, as they are the ones that go NER-NER-NER-NER-NER-NER-NER in a very satisfying way. So, once you are in the vicinity of a semi-automatic gun, how do you fire it without looking like a doofus or making blood come out of yourself? BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING I know how badly you want to shoot that lovely gun that you have in front of you, but first remember a few important safety rules. Never point a gun, any gun, at anyone ever. Even if you know it isn’t loaded. In fact, always assume that any gun you ever handle is loaded and act accordingly. Be concious of where the bangy end of the gun is pointing at all times. Never have your finger on the trigger, until…

Get Your Wish.co.uk Calendar

Posted by & filed under Media.

Dates. The endless, vile. pointless tyranny of dates. I mean, who really knows what the actual date is? Back in the old days, do you think they were keeping such a tight grip on that sort of thing? ‘What year is it? 1126?’ ‘I thought it was 1304’ ‘Oh really? I’ll go with that then. I’ve got the plague anyway, so who cares?’ That was a typical conversation undertaken by illuminated calendar makers back in the Dark Ages. Depressing isn’t it? Which is why, here at Wish.co.uk, we can never understand why we all have to wait until the end of the year to get our hands on a bumptious and sublime new calendar, with that refreshing new calendar smell. UMMMMMMMMMMMMM. I can’t get enough of it. I mean, what’s the point? If those bumpkins from earlier weren’t keeping a handle of these this stuff then it could easily be 2017, 2155 or 2499 in reality. Yes, we could be in the future, which may explain why I have all this foil attached to me. So why not DOWNLOAD and DISPLAY this exciting new date-gorged enterprise from us. It’s a NEW calendar you can start using right now and which…

How To Kill Time In Any Airport In The World

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Holidays would be great if you didn’t have to travel. Where are all the teleportation devices we were promised in lying television shows such as Star Trek and Tomorrow’s World? And Bullseye didn’t help either. Perhaps the most annoying vacation aspect is the airport. Once you’ve checked in, drank heavily and bought a cruller, what’s there left to do? Here are some seriously pointless, utterly ridiculous, potentially life threatening airport time-wasting activities to sort of enjoy… #1 – Announcement Russian Roulette Not for the faint hearted. If you’re in a group of like-minded idiots, wait by the gate but don’t board your plane until the last available second. Then sit there in delirious anticipation as the frustrated airline worker continually calls your name over the loud speaker system. Who will be the last to crack and make themselves known to the counter staff? Will you miss your flight to Bruges completely? Yes. Probably. #2 – Baggage Steeplechase Fun to play with friends, or slightly disturbing to those around you if alone. At the baggage carousel, bet on whose luggage will be first out of the shoot. Dirty tricks such as manoeuvring your suitcase, ‘accidentally’ blocking others and bribing small children…

How to Go Bankrupt Like A Rockstar

Posted by & filed under Celebrities, How To....

Hurrah! You’ve had a lottery win, Great Aunt Sylvia has popped her clogs or your novelty hit ‘Oopy Doopy Fa La La (The Poo Poo Song)‘ is number one in 12 countries. Suddenly you’ve got tons and tons of cash that you’re determined to squander in the most ridiculous way possible. But how to burn through those piles of cash in a way fit for a reality show or hit film? And where to go for advice? Celebs? Of course! If anyone knows how to flush tons of cash down the proverbial bog it’s our stars of stage and screen. Follow these tips and you’ll soon be back working nights at Aldi… Vehicles How many yachts could one man need? Four? Seven? If you want to live a completely reckless celebrity lifestyle, the answer is… there is never enough. And while you can quickly sail away from the paps, you can’t escape form the fact that they cost a boatload of money. While I don’t thing Kerry Katona had a big boat, it is rumoured she had £1.8 million worth of vehicles, before she went bust in 2008. While footballing legend George Best claimed,  “They say I wasted my money….

Win Fantastic Wish.co.uk Prizes With Fanta!

Posted by & filed under Competitions.

  Do you want to win amazing, once in a lifetime prizes? Oh you don’t. I wasn’t really expecting that. Most people… Oh! You were joking! You are quite a card aren’t you? No wonder your life partner is so attractive, with a sense of humour like that. Of course you want to win these magnificent, life-lubricating prizes, especially when you hear that Fanta is involved. That’s right, Fanta, your favourite ever beverage. Slow down and stop clawing at my shins and ankles! I’m about to tell you how you can enter. Simply buy a special promotional pack of Orange, Orange Zero or Fruit Twist Fanta, find the unique code and then enter the code on the Fanta website over at www.fanta.co.uk/fanta100 Then two whole winners will be drawn in a completely random way (I have seen the photos and, boy oh boy, is it ever random) every day from now until July 7th 2014. And at what time of the day will the drawings take place? The only time that makes sense: afternoons. Or perhaps mornings. Actually I don’t know, they won’t let me into that part of the building. And the things you can win, you ask? Things so wondrous…

The Amazing Wish.co.uk 2014/15 Calendar

Posted by & filed under Media, News.

A calendar? In March?! Let us explain; before the world was full of microwavable sushi and Michael McIntyre, we used to have a year that started in March and ended in March. Not the same March, the next March. Then the Romans, or somebody, came along and mucked it all up and suddenly we needed a special rhyme to keep the lengths of the months straight. Disgusting. But because we like old fashioned things and because we didn’t manage to get our proper calendar to the printers in time at the end of last year, we’ve put together this completely unique March to March Olde Englysh Calendrific Device, brimming with special dates and notable occurrences like Insurance Awareness Day (June 28th), Golf Month (August) and Danny DeVito’s birthday (look it up). Just click on this outstanding link: DOWNLOAD THE CALENDAR NOW And there you will see the whole thing in glorious PDF-O-Vision. Just print it off right there and then or right click and download it to peruse at a later date. No longer will you have to rely on clumsy abacuses or sun dials to work out that ‘time of the month’, now it’s right there spread out in…

Wish.co.uk Goodies on ITV’s Tipping Point

Posted by & filed under Celebrities, News.

It’s the only game show on television that utilises the power of those seaside, two pence, shuffle based amusement games that have no official name. No really, I’m serious, what are those things called? Coiny Slot Drops? Yes, it’s Tipping Point. And despite the infuriating incomprehension of having no name for the machine at the heart of the show, we still love it and particularly it’s host Ben Shephard. BEN! BEN! I’m assuming you Google your own name constantly so will probably read this. BEN! BEN! Did you get the socks I knitted? One with T embroidered on it and the other with P? I don’t know if I made it clear in my six page letter, but that stands for Tipping Point! You see, it’s clever, like you. I was at the Frankie & Bennys on the night I mentioned in the letter, but I didn’t see you. You were probably busy being hunky and ace. Anyway, my Shepard based fantasises edge ever close to reality as Wish.co.uk provides one of the prizes for an upcoming show. This Wednesday, March 19th at 4pm, drop everything and glue yourself to the television, as I will be doing and you’ll see our…

The Weirdest Things That Got Motorised (& Why)

Posted by & filed under Infographics.

The British have been putting motors into inappropriate things since the dawn of time. Way back in caveman days, according to a documentary I was watching the other day, Neanderthals were using their own feet to propel themselves in primitive vehicular forms and using animals such as pelicans as buckets and rubbish bins. Come to think of it, I might have been watching The Flintstones. And even that seems unlikely as my wife took the television with her when she left 4 years ago. I’M SO LONELY. And that wonderful tradition of yamming an engine into somewhere that it has no natural right to go continues to this day. People the world over have gathered the British mantle and are now motorising all manner of inanimate objects, just for the glory of appearing in an Infographic. And today, I make all their dreams blossom into reality as the Infographic below outlines their exploits and achievements in a way that ‘Infographic Monthly Magazine’ (you get a pixel free with every edition until, after 96 weeks, you have your own Infographic) described as ‘bold’ and ‘cheeky’. Our fingers are crossed for the upcoming ‘Infographies’ the awards ceremony for the Infographic industry held…

What Does Your Car Say About You?

Posted by & filed under Infographics.

The question I’m asked most in my life is ‘What is wrong with you?’ the second question most asked is ‘No, really, what is wrong with you?’ I’m asked it all the time by family members, strangers, passing motorists and, for some reason, traffic wardens. Maybe it’s my headgear, maybe it’s the ‘new walk’ I’m trying out. But whatever the reason, the general public appear to be perpetually compelled by me and my odours. But it seems you people, generally known as ‘normal, sane people’, are more of an open book. ‘But how,’ you splutter while spraying muesli all over the barista. It’s your car. It reveals more about you than your name, height or a thorough internal medical examination. All is revealed in this informative and completely Meerkat free Infographic that is reproduced below. Within it, all the vehicular nuggets that indicate exactly the sort of person you are and what has gone wrong are openly displayed and celebrated. If, after reading, you do make a breakthrough and find it necessary to share your emotions with the larger world, you can simply take the code that lives under the Infographic like a common bridge troll and slap it up,…