Britain VS Americans: Who is Better & Why?

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ukus

Ever since we discovered them a couple of hundred years ago (give or take) and gave them language and shoes, there has been a certain rivalry between the nations of Great Britain and the United States of America. We sent them The Beatles, they retaliated with Madonna. We have Bond, they have Bourne. They came and helped out during World War II, so we sent over Russell Brand to star in Arthur. But we feel this tension has to come to an end. So we have devised this very scientific survey to decipher once and for all who is the greatest country-based area. Is it us or is it them. Or is it Canada? (Just kidding, it’s never Canada).

Size-of-USA-vs-UKCOUNTRY SHAPE

If aliens do attack the planet (and they will, just listen to David Icke) they’ll look down at all those country outlines and think ‘Which one is the nicest? We’ll start by invading that one.’ Obviously it’ll be a toss-up between the British isles and North America. And while the UK resembles a little man turned to the left and shaking hands with Ireland, America looks more like flattened out pastry when you roll it out wrong and have to mash it all back together and start again. And though the States is bigger, we have lots of water around us. So I think we edge that one.

TEAM GB: 7 Points

TEAM US: 5 Points

NATIONAL ANTHEM TEMPO

At major sporting events, do the athletes dash to the podium, desperate to hear that tune as a medal is hung off them? Or do they look slightly alarmed and depressed as the opening bars blast out. Let’s face it, God Save the Queen isn’t much of a toe-tapper. In EDM terms, it would certainly be considered more ‘Chill Out’ than ‘Speed Garage’. Whereas The Star Spangled banner has a certain jaunty quality that is irresistible.

TEAM GB: 4 points

TEAM US: 6 points

LimesNICKNAMES

So what do the rest of the world call us behind out backs (or to our faces in times of war)? Do they shower us with loveable monikers that make us giggle and coo or use hurtful terms to identify and belittle us? Americans are known as Yanks, Yankee Doodles and Yankee Doodle Dandies. While we Brits are called Limeys, Roast Beefs and Poms. Hey that’s not so bad! But then there are a number of derogatory terms used within the British Isles towards individual country inhabitants, which we won’t sully this webpage with, but aren’t very nice. So points have to be docked there.

TEAM GB: 7 points

TEAM US: 8 points

AIRPORTS NAMED AFTER FAMOUS PEOPLE

As they are usually the first thing that a visitor sees on arrival, a nation’s airport is something like it’s eyes. Yes, you heard me right, airports are the eyes of a nation. And if you were to name your eyes after a famous person, which would you pick? Well, here in the UK we have John Lennon in Liverpool and George Best in Belfast. While America has Kennedy, Reagan and Lincoln. So who is cooler? Duh.

TEAM GB: 9 points

TEAM US: 6 points

bearSCARY ANIMALS

Bears, snakes, those big rat things, spiders, coyotes, mountain lions, sharks. Yes, America is festooned with critters designed to end your life by eating and poisoning. Grizzlies will do the damage, wolves will finish off the job and then vultures will pick you clean. In the UK, your biggest problem is probably a badger giving you TB or Bumble Bees bothering you at a picnic. Pretty shabby.

 

TEAM GB: 2 points

TEAM US: 9 points

CRIME DRAMAS

With The Wire and The Sopranos, the US has arguably produced two of the greatest television crime series ever. Yes, ours might not be as gritty, but what they lack in being continually shot in the face they make up for in education. Everything I know about antiques I gleaned from Lovejoy. I didn’t know the 1960’s existed until Heartbeat came along. And I thought Jersey only appeared in fables before I saw Bergerac. Oh, but then there’s Kojak. Tricky.

TEAM GB: 6 points

TEAM US: 7 points

2001_21_1_webUSE OF THE LETTER ‘U’

If there is an underlying tension between our two nations, the problems related to the 21st letter of the alphabet are undoubtedly the main source. In a direct show of defiance aimed at the hated British King of yore, early Americans abandoned the letter U in some of the most important words such as ‘colour’, ‘behaviour’ and ‘uumlauut’. While that certainly speeds things up when you are speaking, it does makes them appear cumbersome and strange on the page. As soon as Americans realise their drastic mistake and return the U, the world will be a better place.

TEAM GB: 7 points

TEAM US: 4 points

BREAKFAST FOODSTUFFS

While we Brits unleashed the greatest breakfast delicacy into the world, namely The Full English, we missed one vital element that the Americans instigated. Namely smothering your morning plate with syrup. Pancakes! Little fried potatoes! A great big steak! The Yanks will fry anything and call it breakfast, which is to be applauded. Even their cereals have quite a lot of lard in them.

TEAM GB: 5 points

TEAM US: 8 points

78459379MUSICAL FORMS INVENTED

Skoobitty-doobitty-dit-dat-dooble-dang. Yes, who doesn’t feel a quickening of their pulse when they hear those words being sung? It’s jazz, the great American invention whose influence can be felt in everything from Jamie Cullum’s Christmas Album to Jamie Cullum’s Greatest Hits. And how did we Brits respond? With Skiffle. A bunch of delinquent, spotty Teddy Boys playing various items of domestic assistance. And then Herman’s Hermits. Poor.

TEAM GB: 4 points

TEAM US: 7 points

POPES

They can come from all over the place, but one thing is certain, they always wear a pointy hat. But who is the Top Trump when it comes to Popey types from either here or there? Well, we haven’t had one for a while (a bit like the World Cup) but we do have a showing with Pope Adrian IV who clambered onto the big golden chair in 1154. Whereas (a bit like the World Cup) America hasn’t had one at all yet. What are they waiting for?

TEAM GB: 10 points

TEAM US: 0 points

VERDICT

TEAM GB TOTAL: 61 points

TEAM US TOTAL: 60 points

There you have it! It was close but there’s finally conclusive proof that Great Britain slightly edges it’s large, hat-wearing cousin in terms of bestness. And while we might be munching their burgers, drinking their Grande Chai Lattes and watching their mass media entertainment, we can continue flouncing about with our smug air of superiority. And that is all that matters.

2 Responses to “Britain VS Americans: Who is Better & Why?

  1. None

    Really Popes? bringing religon in? just because america isn’t catholic? wow wow, 61 to 60 uh no sorry more like 60 to 51 sorry brits

    Reply
  2. Bob

    Um…we Yanks have Louis Armstrong Airport in New Orleans. Since you already admit jazz gives us the edge, how is that not cooler than John Lennon? At worst, it’s a tie. Which means we win 🙂

    Reply

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