Posts Categorized: How To…

James Bond VS Jason Bourne: Who’s Hardest?

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If you were to run up to a stranger in the street and scream into their faces, ‘Quickly, who are the two premiere male spy movie icons in the world?’ they would almost certainly reply with fear, ‘James Bond and Jason Bourne. Please don’t hurt me.’ And they would be right! But who is the better espionage agent, the classic, crusty, drunken James Bond or the young, brain-damaged usurper Jason Bourne. Let’s find out together… INITIALS If you are to be a true gentleman spy, then initials are vitally important. You’ll want to have every possible possession monogrammed, even if you are traveling incognito. Of course, with both James and Jason they are JB’s. But, as is so often the case with these things, it’s more complicated than that. Jason is actually JCB, having the middle name Charles, which is a lot better than Bond’s plain old JB. But let us not forget, Jason Bourne isn’t really Jason Bourne, it’s just one of his many aliases. As far as we can assess, he is really called David Webb, which is a rubbish name. And DW are rubbish initials. WINNER: BOND PUNCHING Certainly, Bond can use his fists when he is…

The Next Star Wars: Our Movie Plot Predictions

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It’s going to be the biggest cultural event in the history of mankind (and animalkind) so far. Yes, we had lots of hype surrounding the last batch of Star Wars films and, yes, they were all slightly disappointing. But things are going to be be completely different this time. I mean, how crazy would they be to make the same mistakes again, right? So, with a mere 18 months until Episode VII is released, here’s what we think will happen… THE FULL TITLE At the moment, the film is only known as ‘Episode VII’, with the full name yet to be revealed. We know it takes place 30 years or so after Return of the Jedi and involves a bunch of youngsters as well as the original cast, so something hip and child-friendly will probably be incorporated. Maybe something along the lines of Star Wars Episode VII – ‘Han Yolo Twerks a Selfie’ or similar. THE RETURN OF THE CANTINA BAND Easily the stand-out moment of the original film, A New Hope, was the appearance of the tootling space-jazz band, who were seen rocking out in the Mos Eisley Cantina. But what have the guys been up to since then? Episode VII…

How to Cheat Death With A Lightning Strike

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Though it’s a common atmospheric phenomenon with over 8 million known lightning bolts flung from the heavens every day, there are still some mysteries that scientists don’t quite understand. We do know that in storm conditions clouds act like giant capacitors, storing up electrical energy. Lightning is the discharge of this energy between the ground and the cloud. With an average 30,000 Amperes of charge, there’s enough electrical power in a single bolt of lightning to power 3500 kettles or to light up 250 houses. The core of the bolt is five times hotter than the sun. We could go into much more detail, but this isn’t a science lesson – the only other thing you need to know is that if you’re hit by lightning, you might die. Instantly. How could you possibly survive that? Fortunately for you, we know. The Facts According to David Hand’s book The Improbability Principle, the chances that you’ll be struck and killed by lightning in the course of your lifetime are 300,000 to 1. Some statistical sources halve that to 1 in 140,000. Either way you look at it, those are pretty long odds… You’re more likely to be legally executed than are…

How To Win A Competitive Eating Competition

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What is competitive eating? Let me answer that with another question. What do you think it is, idiot? Yes, competitive eating is exactly what you think it is, cramming various food items into your face (and stomach) over a particular period of time. Whoever eats the most, wins the toast (if it’s a toast eating contest). But how do munching mavericks like Kobayashi, Joey Chestnut and Sonya Thomas achieve these feats? Watch and learn (and then eat). THE BACKGROUND You might think it’s just some crazed restaurant owner who tries to drum up business by having various local lunatics chow down on an unfeasibly large amount of carbs, but that simply isn’t the case. There’s not one but two official food eating federations: the International Federation of Competitive Eaters (IFOCE) and the Association of Independent Competitive Eaters (AICE). Both groups oversee and invigilate feats of food eating all over the world. But there’s a major rule differential between the two. With AICE food has to be eaten as presented with no mashing, blending or dunking. With IFOCE anything goes, squish it, poke it, rub it, they don’t care as long as it gets in your tummy. Now there are eating…

How To Make Make Friends In A New City Abroad

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Staying in a foreign country, whether you’re passing through as part of a gap year or staying on a bit longer, can be tough. You’re on your own, you don’t speak the language and everything is new and different. That can be cool for a while, just you against the world. But human beings were designed to be social animals and everyone tires of their own company after the 2nd or 3rd day. So, how do you make friends in a foreign country? The truth is, the rules aren’t all that different to making friends anywhere. In fact, it may even be easier to make friends abroad because you’ve got one key, cool thing going for you; you’re foreign. That automatically makes you 23% more interesting than normal. It also gives you an excuse to behave in ways you might avoid at home; to be a bit more proactive and outgoing. And here are nine ways you can channel that new found, exotic behaviour into finding friends: Learn the Language To our everlasting shame, we’re well aware that most of the world speaks English. About 1 in 4 of the world’s population, according to British Council statistics. In most of the…

The Least Fit Sportsmen In History

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In recent times we’ve been spoiled by a plethora of incredible sporting events. The Olympics, World Cup and Commonwealth Games have all showcased athletes at the height of their powers and peak physical fitness. But let’s not forget that for every Mo Farah and Hulk, there’s a schlub like you and me excelling in their chosen field with a minimal amount of effort. This is a celebration of those champion sporting figures who were world-beaters and still knew their way around a pie and a pint. ‘BIG’ BILL WERBENIUK A snooker behemoth who was as well known for his feats of drinking as he was for his cueing skills. His average intake was a pint per frame, which usually equalled around a dozen or so per game. It’s reported that he once drank 76 cans of lager during a game against John Spencer in the 1970’s. And he is probably the only champion sportsman who has a section of his Wikipedia entry titled ‘Trouser Splitting Incident’. It just goes to show you the power of multi-tasking – if you are good at two things (like snooker and drinking) why not combine them? JOCKY WILSON Thanks to the smoking ban and…

How to Have a Wedding on the Cheap

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  Hurrah! You are about the become betrothed to the person you love. Commiserations! You are skint and that situation is not going to change anytime soon. There’s only one thing for it. A scrimpy, savey, wedding on the cheap. All corners will be cut,  all pennies will be pinched, all buffet items will be from Iceland (or lower). But if you simply don’t know where to start with your budget nuptials, here are a few tips to get you going. THE ENGAGEMENT Before you can even begin to think about your miserly wedding, you need to plan your miserly engagement. The ring is going to be the biggest outlay, so you need to start hunting for bargains. Remember that ‘second hand’ is just another word for ‘vintage’. Find a classic deco sparker on eBay (obviously being careful and researching exactly what you’re getting) or take a trip to the Jewellery Quarter in either Birmingham or London. Or perhaps you can gently suggest that their may be a beloved family heirloom that can be used for extra emotional resonance. Worth a try. THE PLANNING The important thing to do is organise a budget and then stick to it like a…

How To Mix The Perfect Martini (Shaken Or Stirred)

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The Martini was invented in a time when cocktails were simple, subtle concoctions; the work of alchemists rather than acrobats. Few drinks can match either its strength or sophistication. One martini and all the worries of a stressful day have dissolved. Two and you’re James Bond, getting ready to fleece SMERSH operative Le Chiffre at baccarat. Three and, well, gentlemen do not speak of what happens after three Martinis. Except to say, it’s never pretty. In moderation the humble Martini remains the king and queen of cocktails. There are only two real ingredients; gin and vermouth. And it all begins with finding the right gin… Look at the labels With gin and tonic, a heavily flavoured spirit like Bombay Sapphire will shine through the fizz. With a Martini, you can afford to go for a gin that’s less crowded with big flavours; something more subtle. You can get a good idea of what flavour to expect from the labelling. London gin is a spirit distilled with a selection of natural botanical ingredients. There are up to eight of them and one of them must be juniper berries. It can’t have anything added after the distillation process expect for  pure water or the tiniest…

How To Become The Pope & Lead the Catholic Church

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Is your food cart that sells ‘Hot Bitter Sausages’ not doing so well? Are things looking dicey at Snappy Snaps? Are your parents losing patience with your vocation as a ‘Action Poet’ and are planning to kick you to the curb? Sounds like you need a new career. Have you considered becoming pope? The money’s decent, the uniform’s thrown in and you get your own mobile. Sounds pretty sweet, doesn’t it? So what steps do you need to take in order to get in that big golden throne and wearing that pointy hat? Just watch and learn… BECOME A CATHOLIC I know, right? I had no idea. I always assumed that line about ‘is the pope Catholic?’ was just a crazy gag, but it turns out the pope IS Catholic. So you need to be Catholic too. So firstly, you have to believe in God. If this doesn’t apply to you, then being a pope might not be your thing. If you find that you do believe in God, but were raised in some different branch of the church, or another religion, you’ll need to begin the RCIA or Catholic education classes. Research and find a local Catholic church and…

How To Pack A Backpack For Your Gap Year

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If you’re planning a year of travelling – then you’ll have to learn how to pack. Like the snail and the tortoise, you’ll be carrying everything you need to survive. Where do you even start? Fortunately for you, we’ve been around the block (world) a few times and in our travels have formulated the ultimate packing list. This, ladies and gentlemen, is how you pack for a year abroad in just two bags. Choose your Bags Your main bag is for anything you don’t immediately need. Most long term travelers choose a back-pack, because you never know when you’re going to have to carry all your worldly good from one place to another. Suitcases are far too heavy and cumbersome. You may not need as big a bag as you expected though… a 45-50 litre back-pack is probably all you need – keeping in mind that you’ll be strapping a sleeping bag to the top. Try not to buy your bag online – you’ll need to make sure it’s solidly made, has enough pockets for and – of course – it fits comfortably. Waterproofing is essential. And a word about sleeping bags even though this piece is called “how to pack…