Posts Categorized: How To…

How To Disappear Completely, Never Be Found (& It’s 100% Legal)

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Have you ever wondered what it would be like to start over? What if you could disappear and, months later, re-emerge as a deckhand on a long-haul fishing vessel, or tend bar in the Caribbean? What if you could wipe the slate clean and emerge as an entirely new you?  No baggage, no history. As we sit here on a drizzly English morning, tapping out these words on a crumb covered keyboard, it all sounds very tempting indeed… Like the 70s classic sitcom character Reginald Perrin, it is possible to disappear completely and never be found; emerging with a new identity. But you have to get it right. You only hear about the people who fail at this; John Darwin – “the Canoe man” – who faked his death for half a million quid in life insurance. Then there was fallen Serb despot Radon Karadzic, who evaded war crimes charges for a decade with a new name, a bushy beard and a job as a faith healer… All of these characters committed “pseudocide” to evade the law; they disappeared and changed their names. But we’re staying on the right side of the boys in blue here. All the advice we’ll give you is…

How To Travel Like Homer Simpson

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In their many and highly-comical adventures, the family Simpson have pretty much travelled everywhere. Over 26 seasons they’ve touched down in a staggering number of countries and upset many of the denizens of abroad. And despite the fact that most of these vacations involve Homer getting his head stuck in something, they can prove to be highly educational. I mean, how would we know about Australia’s odd forms of punishment, Italy’s drunken children or Brazil’s monkey problem without the Simpsons? So if you are jetting off to somewhere tropical this summer, here’s how Homer tackled a visit to these foreign nations. AUSTRALIA Remember, the environmental balance in Australia is very delicate, so if you are planning to introduce any foreign, invasive species, make sure that you don’t get caught, otherwise the natural punishment is to be kicked with a giant boot in parliament. If you are spotted dropping bullfrogs into airport fountains and decide that escape via kangaroo is the best option remember that their pouches are pretty mucous filled. The national pastime in Australia is a game called ‘Knifey Spoony’ so make sure you have your special gaming cutlery on you at all times. The currency is known as…

The Weirdest Things Found Inside Something Else

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As a civilisation, we love things being inside other things. Meat inside bread forms the globes favourite food: the sandwich! People inside rooms creates the best sort of dwelling: a house! Men with big beards inside caves are our most enjoyable type of weirdo: the hermit! But occasionally, due to human error or witchcraft, things that are never supposed to be in other things end up in other things. And then the internet writes about it. iphone 7 plus light phone cases Here is just a smattering of bizarre items that have unexpectedly turned up within stuff they shouldn’t have. A CHILD IN A PARCEL Fans of the Velvet Underground will know the tale of poor Waldo who, in the song The Gift, who mails himself to his girlfriend in a big box with disastrous results. But Waldo wasn’t the first to try this. After the US postal service was created in 1913, people immediately started taking the mickey and pushing this new novelty enterprise to its limits by seeing what weird stuff they could send to each other. Including, in 1913, a baby which the Beauge family of Ohio sent parcel post to it’s grandmother, as it was cheaper…

How to Learn Languages Like A Polyglot

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If the last time you tried to learn a foreign language was at school, learning a new one will seem pretty daunting. Here’s a thought; why don’t you cheat instead? You couldn’t get away with cheating in exams, but this is real life. There are no invigilators here; no teachers ready to smack you on the hand with the back of a ruler. Cheating can take many forms, from full on faking to taking short-cuts. You can speak double Dutch in the Netherlands, or get a helping hand in Hungary. We look at full-on faking it first, then show you how to speed up language learning so much that it will feel like cheating. Because it sort of is. Faking It Here’s the scenario; you’ve been a bit economical with the truth, telling your new date that you’re fluent in five languages. Now you’re sitting in an dark, Italian restaurant and she’s waiting for you to order. The waiter comes up, takes out his pad and… you begin speaking gibberish in an ostentatious Italian accent. But does the waiter roll his eyes and blow your cover? No – because two hours earlier you nipped in on your way to pick…

A Brief History of Crank Calls & 0898 Numbers

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From the moment when the first caveman held a seashell up to his ear and heard the ocean and then another caveman came along and smashed him over the head with a rock and screamed ‘LOSER’ at his inert body, people have been using and misusing communication devices. Whether it’s insulting Morse code, bad walkie-talkie etiquette or erotic semaphore, as soon as technology was introduced to help in the transmission of messages, we found a way to desecrate them for amusement or menace. Here is a brief run-down of the main methods of telephone abasement and where they appear in the history of communicating. FIRST CRANK CALL Though the early history of the telephone and the pioneers behind its development is hotly disputed, we do know that on the 10th March 1876, Alexander Graham Bell used his patented device and a liquid transmitter for the first time, uttering the words, ‘Mr Watson, come here, I want to see you’. This was in fact also the first instance of a ‘crank’ or ‘nuisance’ call. Bell had been goading Watson all morning, using various methods to call him into his office only to then throw a heavy book at him. To Bell,…

How To Be Interesting

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Let me make one thing painfully clear. I am an idiot. I am not smart at all. My intellectual capacities are considered poor at best. Nicknames I have endured during my life have included ‘Dummy’, ‘Gumpy’ and ‘Old Dung For Brains’. But, by listening to people who are smarter than me and by taking covert notes or secretly recording them, I have picked up a few salient phrases and culturally relevant sentences that make me sound vaguely clever when dropped into the heart of a conversation. Let me share them with you. If, after you let one of these beauties fly, someone questions you further, either fake a heart attack or burst into tears. Then run. “YOU KNOW THE STAR WARS FILMS HAVE SUFFERED SINCE THEY STOPPED BEING BASED ON KUROSAWA FILMS” Perfect for dropping into conversations with film buffs, comic book nerds or sci-fi geeks. The parallels between the first Star Wars film and Akira Kurosawa’s The Hidden Fortress have been drawn for years and George Lucas admitted that he basically stole the plot from the Japanese film, then changed it significantly, then stole it again for Phantom Menace. Works best when spoken snottily. “WITH THE RITE OF SPRING,…

How To Drink Absinthe (& Not Go Insane)

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It is considered the scariest thing sitting behind the bartender’s head. The legends surrounding absinthe have been swirling around for generations. iphone 7 plus anti slip case The ‘green fairy’ that poisons the drinker’s mind with Wormwood and causes hallucinations, wooziness and even madness. It’s even illegal, right? No, not for years. The levels of neotoxins contained in the drink and thought to affect mental cognition are too small to cause any trouble. So it’s not as dangerous as some fear, but it is still strong… black and gold iphone 6 case and delicious! If you prepare it correctly. chargeable case iphone 6 apple WHAT IS THIS STUFF ANYWAY? Like Coca Cola, Cornflakes and Irn-Bru (probably) absinthe may have started life as a medicinal tonic, brewed by a French doctor living in Switzerland. Though Wormwood infused wine had been in the drinks cabinets of the Ancient Greeks. It’s a flavoured spirit, featuring an infusion of herbs and flowers including sweet fennel, green anise and grande wormwood, plus a possible selection of other herbs such as hyssop, peppermint and coriander. The base ingredients will create a clear spirit (which is sold as ‘Absinthe Blanche’) but the addition of these herbs turns…

How To Be Like Bear Grylls

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Rupert. Paddington. Fozzie. Famous bears in cultural history tend to have a fairly sedate reputation. But this whole idea of bears being wussy, wimpy and clothed changed forever when the formidable Bear Grylls entered the televised fray. This Bear was an adventurer, an explorer and a man who gladly convened all over nature. A bit like a real bear, rather than those anthropomorphic fictional bears that never acted like bears at all. When was the last time Yogi or Boo Boo mauled anyone? Terrible. Bear Grylls could happily survive on an iceberg using only various bodily emissions and a penguin corpse for food, shelter and entertainment. But if you wanted to emulate this great British bug muncher, how should you go about it? EVALUATE YOUR SURROUNDINGS Once Mr. Grylls is dropped into a harsh environment and charged up his iPhone, the first thing he embarks on is a thorough survey of his surroundings. Is there a fresh water source? Are there any dangerous animals nearby? What time does the motel stop serving breakfast? You can conduct this kind of terrain survey even if you live in a bedsit or caravan. Just act as if you’ve been plunged into the landscape…

9 Sexy Memes That Went Extinct

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Amazingly, sex was not invented by the Millennials. We did have erotic artefacts and suggestive materials back in the deep, dark, pre-internet days. otterbox commuter iphone 6 case They were all just really, really weird. And not very sexy. Almost as if we couldn’t really cope with that actual hanky-panky itself and had to dress the whole process up in a variety of novelty items and odd movements. They truly were innocent, baffling times. RUDE FOOD Back in the early 1980’s, pictures of naked people were considered far more acceptable and tantalising when a variety of fruits and vegetables were stuck on top of or near to the participants private parts. In the old days, you couldn’t move for nudes with a tastefully draped pineapple obscuring their modesty or else a couple of kumquats replicating the disguised organs, released as several volumes of a hardback, coffee table book called Rude Food. Many confused newlyweds fruitlessly searched for the fruit on their honeymoon. SUGGESTIVE ARM GESTURES Drop a sexy lady into any 1970’s sitcom or saucy English movie and you would be guaranteed to see a vicar tugging at his shirt collar before riding his bike into a hedge and a…

How To BS About Football (When You Know Nothing)

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The 2014 FIFA World Cup is very nearly underway, with hosts Brazil among the first to take to the pitch. If you didn’t understand a word of that, this post is for you. Football is the blood that runs through our nation’s veins, so it can feel a bit awkward being the only person in the tap-room who doesn’t know the offside rule. You become an eternal wallflower, ostracised and muttering with embarrassment whenever the fateful question is asked: “who do you support?” It’s like being asked whose side you’re on – and you don’t have a side. You’re no one. You’re Billy No Mates. You’re the kid that teachers flick spitballs at. But fear not! The World Cup is the ideal time to learn how to talk about football credibly. It’s a crash course in the highs and lows of the beautiful game, compressed into four compact weeks. It’s football fan university, with all the drinking, partying and physical contact with members of the same gender that implies. All you need to do is go with the flow, get yourself a cheap England shirt and follow our simple instructions. Watch the matches in a crowd It’ll be difficult to…