Posts Categorized: How To…

How To Crash A Showbiz Party

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Scientists have recently proven, beyond all doubt, that celebrities do indeed have the best parties. Not very good scientists, obviously, but scientists all the same. Beyond the velvet rope and the burly bouncers, there’s a whole world that pathetic mortals like us can only dream about. Strange exotic canapés, booze distilled from fruits that you have never heard of and formation dance moves that are so unique several years of specialised yoga are required to pull them off. Other than perfecting your Britain’s Got Talent act and actually becoming a celebrity, how can you sniff this rarefied air? Here are a few pointers to get you inside a swell, famed-filled soiree (for the purposes of good obviously, don’t use these tips to do bad things). DO YOUR RESEARCH Don’t run from door to door knocking randomly and screaming ‘IS THERE A CELEBRITY PARTY IN HERE?’ Take it from me, that simply doesn’t work. Scour the gossip rags and various scurrilous internet websites for news on album release events, film premières, awards shows, product launches and the like and do a little delving to identify where the after party is going to be. Celebs are always bleating on Twitter about what…

How To Take A Penalty & Not Miss

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It’s one of the most anxious situations in sport. Other than being late to film your Head and Shoulders commercial. A penalty is as stressful as taking your driving test, being cross-examined in court and finding a strange lump on your upper inner thigh all rolled into one. iphone 7 plus phone case arsenal And yet it should be so simple. Just kick the ball into the hole, avoiding that big man in the way. But so many footballing millionaires fail to do it. iphone 8 case mandala pattern Why? Here are just some of the reasons we have unearthed for trained professionals missing a spot-kick, with video evidence included. ANKLE FATIGUE A strange, rare sporting condition where the player involved (in this instance Del Piero) suddenly has the leg power of a wounded fawn. Without warning, all the momentum is drained form the lower leg, causing the victim to lightly tap the ball in the vague direction of the goalie, as is kicking a packet of Jaffa Cakes across the floor towards your stoned flatmate. armor iphone 7 plus case DISCOLOURED BALLS Footballers are a superstitious lot, so any sudden changes in routine and environment can throw them off…

How To Start Your Own Death Cult

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What’s the difference between a religion and a cult? Not much. The study of cults is a modern phenomena – dating back to the 1930s. They have many of the same traits as mainstream religions, but with beliefs and practices that established society deems odd or eccentric. When you think about it though, there are a lot of things people do in the name of mainstream religion that look decidedly odd or eccentric… One thing’s for certain. Cult formation is skyrocketing. As old time religion loses its lustre for many, New Religious Movements or NRMs are flooding in to fill the hole. Best of all? You could be the person at the top. Anyone can start their own cult. All it takes is a bit of charisma, a creation myth and some commandments to live by. A charismatic figurehead Getting people to follow you in the first place is a confidence trick. So, every cult needs a leader who inspires that confidence – a leader who will embody and represent your theosophy. In 1968, The Beatles dropped their Rickenbackers halfway through “Magical Mystery Tour” and went off to India. The chap who turned their heads? The Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, leader of the Transcendental Meditation…

How To Avoid Any Socially Awkward Situation

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Whether it’s a wedding with a hidden agenda, a christening that goes too far or simply a party-based conversation that is making you consider a trip to the Dignitas clinic, we all find ourselves in awkward social situations with alarming frequency. And unless you’re an Estate Agent, you don’t want to just use rudeness to extract yourself from the arena of woe. So how can you get out of there without any lasting damage to your standing in the community? Here are a few tips, tricks and techniques… personalised 8 plus iphone case silicone START CRYING The water that leaps from your face can be the fuel for your escape in practically every terrible scenario. charger cases iphone 7 No matter what the conversation concerns or the occasion denotes, once things are starting to veer towards the interminable, just place a hand to your cheek, say something like ‘Oh Martin, how could you?’ while staring off into the distance and let the waterworks fly. If they insist on helping you in your time of emotional grief, just tell them you need to take an important tablet and head to the bathroom. MAKE YOUR PHONE DO SOMETHING Why were the bad…

How To Dance Like Nobody’s Watching

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It’s a phrase we’ve heard a lot in recent times. ‘Dance like nobody’s watching’. It was famously coined in the past by a very notable person. But what exactly does it mean? How do you go about it? Can it improve and inspire your life? Does it hurt? All these questions and some other ones will be answered in good time. By following these simple steps you’ll soon be dancing like nobody’s watching you. STEP 1: MINDSET Dancing like nobody’s watching isn’t about dancing. In fact, that’s the last thing that it’s about. Until you get to the bit with the dancing. But before then it’s all about attitude. A distinctly selfish attitude. You basically have to assume that you are the only important factor on the planet right now and you have no regard whatsoever for anything else, be they animal vegetable or pliable. You have to fully convince yourself that no one else exists. And anyone that does exist, you can drive away by your behaviour. This mental attitude begins at home. Start by refusing to answer the door, ignoring phone calls and allowing bills to pile up. kpop iphone 8 case Change your Facebook status to ‘Dead’….

How To Make Steamy Movie Scenes Less Embarrassing

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Obviously, the find the whole idea of X-rated entertainment and erotic cinematic elements to be vile and unethical. But there is no escaping it. We are now bombarded with love scenes from every television soap opera, foreign film and petrol station forecourt. jack wills phone case iphone 7 plus And we are appalled. west ham phone case iphone 6 What about us pure, upstanding individuals who are forced to experience this stuff? Surely there’s some room for invention in an attempt to keep us feeling less embarrassed, especially if our mum is in the room? I believe the following elements would vastly improve adult situations when they crop up and make them more palatable to those of us who consider the whole thing utterly wicked. TRIVIA SECTION If you are of a queasy nature (like myself) you’ll often be squirming in your seat when some rude scenario suddenly appears on screen. But if some competition element was introduced, I could be entertained and distracted during those bits. Perhaps a Krypton Factor style observation quiz could be added, with questions appearing at the end of the scene along the lines of ‘What colour were the curtains?’, ‘Which female celebrity does that…

How To Be Better at Conversation & Small Talk

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I’ve noticed recently that the number of occasions when people flee from my company as I begin talking to them is roughly down to single figures for each day, so I now consider myself to have the gift of the gab. Yes, I am one of those tremendously fortuitous individuals who can simply open up a conversation with practically anyone and they will stand there, rigid with admiration, unable to speak due to my fascinating insights and gesturing frantically to passers-by, so they can join them and also enjoy my words. My abilities and techniques have been slowly assembled over many years and I am finally ready to share them with you lucky, lucky people. So sit back, pour yourself a Lucozade and prepare to learn my trade secrets of polite, enthralling conversation. THE OPENING This is always the most difficult gambit when initiating a conversation with someone. Do you try the traditional ‘hello’? The more relaxed ‘hi’? Or something more unorthodox like ‘ZAPPY PAPPY ZAPPY PAPPY’ screamed at quite a high register. Well, even novices like yourselves will realise that it should be this last one. You only have a few microseconds to make an impression and allow this person to understand that you…

How To Get A Street Named After You

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  There’s no better way to go down in history than to have a street named after you. Just think of the thoroughfares you walk down every day, named after historical figures, local dignitaries and the hoi polloi. Could that be your street? In decades and centuries to come, could the great unwashed masses of your town be strolling down boulevards and into cul-de-sacs named after you? The short answer is yes. Yes they could. But it won’t be easy. We investigate the laws and loopholes that will help you get a street with your name on it. Who decides what streets are called? Street naming regulations are enshrined in UK law. Your local borough or district council is responsible for assigning street names (and house numbers). The legislation can be found in the Towns Improvement Clauses Act 1847 and the Public Health Act of 1925. Naming streets is a big responsibility for council planning departments. They have to consider the character of the area, the sensitivities of residents and the needs of local organisations. The council has to work with postal and emergency services to make sure the names are clear and properties easy to find. All newly named and…

James Bond VS Jason Bourne: Who’s Hardest?

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If you were to run up to a stranger in the street and scream into their faces, ‘Quickly, who are the two premiere male spy movie icons in the world?’ they would almost certainly reply with fear, ‘James Bond and Jason Bourne. Please don’t hurt me.’ And they would be right! But who is the better espionage agent, the classic, crusty, drunken James Bond or the young, brain-damaged usurper Jason Bourne. Let’s find out together… rabbit phone case iphone 7 INITIALS If you are to be a true gentleman spy, then initials are vitally important. You’ll want to have every possible possession monogrammed, even if you are traveling incognito. Of course, with both James and Jason they are JB’s. But, as is so often the case with these things, it’s more complicated than that. Jason is actually JCB, having the middle name Charles, which is a lot better than Bond’s plain old JB. But let us not forget, Jason Bourne isn’t really Jason Bourne, it’s just one of his many aliases. As far as we can assess, he is really called David Webb, which is a rubbish name. And DW are rubbish initials. WINNER: BOND PUNCHING Certainly, Bond can use…

How to Crash Weddings

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Aren’t wedding parties the best thing ever? There’s lots of food and lots of drink. There’s music, dancing and dressing up. Everyone’s in a good mood and all the single people feel, you know, a bit frisky. Trouble is, how often do your friends and family get hitched? Not enough is what we say! There were 234, 464 weddings last year in the UK alone. That’s nearly a quarter of a million parties you could have been to in 2013 – that you missed. What’s that you say? You weren’t invited? Don’t let a little thing like that put you off. Who needs to wait for an invitation to a wedding when, with a little bit ingenuity, you can go to any wedding you like. Without giving too much away, we have form in this department. We have a very particular set of skills. Skills that enable us to crash any wedding, any time. And now you can too. Folks, put a carnation in your buttonhole. Here’s everything you need to know to successfully crash a wedding party. The best weddings to crash You can’t just crash any old wedding reception. Some are far too small and you’ll soon be noticed….