How To Dance Like Nobody’s Watching

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Bad-Dancing

It’s a phrase we’ve heard a lot in recent times. ‘Dance like nobody’s watching’. It was famously coined in the past by a very notable person. But what exactly does it mean? How do you go about it? Can it improve and inspire your life? Does it hurt? All these questions and some other ones will be answered in good time. By following these simple steps you’ll soon be dancing like nobody’s watching you.

downloadSTEP 1: MINDSET

Dancing like nobody’s watching isn’t about dancing. In fact, that’s the last thing that it’s about. Until you get to the bit with the dancing. But before then it’s all about attitude. A distinctly selfish attitude. You basically have to assume that you are the only important factor on the planet right now and you have no regard whatsoever for anything else, be they animal vegetable or pliable. You have to fully convince yourself that no one else exists. And anyone that does exist, you can drive away by your behaviour.

This mental attitude begins at home. Start by refusing to answer the door, ignoring phone calls and allowing bills to pile up. Change your Facebook status to ‘Dead’. Insult or attack close friends or family members. Sell pets. This shedding of reputation and responsibility is vital to acquire the right frame of mind. Once you feel utterly alone, you’re ready to dance like nobody’s watching.

giphy (1)STEP 2: OUTFIT

Once you have dispersed most of your friends and relatives,  it’s time to dress like you dance like there’s nobody watching. This way, anyone with even the vaguest interest in your existence will be forced to leave you be. For this to succeed, one element must always be present: repulsion. How you achieve this is down to your own personal tastes, as long as it keeps normal people at bay. It is far easier to dance like nobody’s watching if people are driven away your outfit due to its revolting nature.

There are usually two main routes undertaken to achieve this: smell and appearance. Old or dishevelled clothing can prevent approach by virtue of the strong odour they possess. However, strangers will often have to get quite close to you in order to appreciate this smell. More effective, I feel, is the look of your clothing. And by clothing I mean ‘things that can be attached to your body’. Torn food packaging, pieces of meat, carrier bags, discarded hair. All of these can be glued directly onto clothing, or skin, to create a level of visual unsettlement ensuring nobody will be present, let alone watching you.

STEP 3: LOCATION

tumblr_inline_n71qieRpKp1rymzcyI’m sure when you think of yourself dancing like nobody’s watching, you are in some kind of swanky nightclub, owning the dance floor with abandon, eyes closed, a blissful expression on your face as legions of delighted onlookers applaud your every move. But this is the last place you want to be. For one thing, people are watching you. This is the inherent nature of ‘onlookers’. They look on. This is exactly what you want to avoid. If you feel you have to have a nightclub setting to dance like nobody’s watching you, then pick one of the worst ones in the country. I’m mean places like Stubbers in Doncaster. Or Pooles’ famous Charred Rooms. Or even the fabled Throttles in Fife.

Any of these establishments will ensure maximum non-exposure for your light-footed antics. Or try to find a location that is obviously on the verge of closing. Or slightly on fire. An even better venue would be a place where entertainment and joy have never been a consideration. Try the foyer of a motorway service station at 11am on a Tuesday, or  the top level of a budget multi-story car park anywhere in the West Midlands. Or Budgen’s, Widnes. Once you have engaged your boombox and begun to dance, any attendees will back away rapidly while trying not to pay you the slightest bit of attention.

giphySTEP 4: MOVES

Some feel this is the most important element of dancing like nobody’s watching. But really it isn’t. If you have managed to choose the right outfit, mindset and location, there’ll be no spectators anyway, so I wouldn’t worry about it. However, if you have skimped on any of the previous steps and find that you are attracting some kind of crowd with your unusual rhythmic movements, then a vibrant dance display could expunge these hangers-on.

Anything violently pelvic should do the trick. Moves from the ‘thrusting’, ‘grinding’ or ‘Shakira’ family of dance will probably be the most effective. What’s important is to illustrate these unnerving gyrations with guttural, animalistic sounds. A simple formula to follow is thrust-grunt-thrust-grunt-bark, followed by some sudden and expansive arm flailing. Hopefully by then, any voyeurs would have dispersed with worried looks on their faces. Then you are free to fully explore the space with leaps, rolls, spins and shimmies.

702YRTBSTEP 5: DISMOUNT

Now you have successfully danced like nobody’s watching. Feels good doesn’t it? If you have managed to achieve your aim then the authorities are most probably travelling in your direction. This may be because you have violated any number of local by-laws or concerns about your own safety have been raised. Rather than answering any awkward questions, stop dancing like nobody’s watching and start running like a lion is chasing you. Simple and effective, merely flee in the opposite direction to the sounds of the sirens.

Then, once you have recovered/been released and you feel ready to once more dance like nobody’s watching, it’s probably best not to return to this original location. Very often some form of security fencing has been erected or your picture is displayed by the front doors. If that is the case, well done! You’re a natural! Now to spread that talent and share it with the world. Or rather not. As you don’t want anyone to be watching.

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