Wowie Zowie, it’s that TV show about Essex! To celebrate the amazing appearance of the brave The Only Way is Essex boys and girls at our Zombie Battle London experience, we’ve all gone a bit TOWIE crazy. We’re slightly more tanned, there are many more vowels crammed into very word we utter and we’ve had practically every body part jazzled.
How did we achieve this incredible transformation which is making heads turn and laughter stifled on every street we choose to strut up and down? As a Christmas treat to all of you, we’ve constructed this fabulous Towie-To gift guide, so you can put the ‘sex’ into ‘that reality television programme entitled The Only Way is Essex’.
Gold Dice with Diamonds Bling Car Cigarette Lighter
It’s like Vajazzling your car! Never again will you have to ignite your lovely lady (or gentleman’s) fag with a scabby old lighter that you’ve previously used to scratch, probe and agitate various parts of your body. This beautiful piece of motorised art has actually caused several multiple car pile-ups due to its dazzling hue and all around gorge-ness.
TOWIE Bed Set
Now you can sleep with your favourite TOWIE types every night of the week without ever visiting the Sugar Hut and plying them with a large number of luminous cocktails. This duvet cover and pillowcases encourages you to ‘Look Reem’ and ‘Be Reem’ but hopefully not suffer from a ‘Wet Reem’. Nobody wants that.
No longer will your pride and joy look like the last saveloy in the butcher’s window. If your old fella is looking a bit tired and un-blinged, give it the boost it deserves with this sensational; Pejazzle kit. NASA scientists actually left their space jobs to focus on the creation and refinement of this exciting decorative item which adds crystal crosses to your privates, just in time to celebrate the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ. Tasty.
Recreate the odours of Basildon, Ongar and Walton-on-the-Naze upon your neck and armpits with this glittering selection of Essex fragrances. Being neither a man or woman is no excuse, as smells for all sexes are offered. Douse yourself in Love Addict, smear Dazzle on your torso and walk through a drifting cloud of VIP before an important board meeting or christening.
Your hair is large, the damage to the door frame when you entered is testament to that. But frankly it could be larger. Add copious volume to your barnet with these discrete follicle volume boosters. Just like the prosthetic lumps that classy ladies stuff in their bras to give them a bit more cleavage, these ‘micro sponge grips’ turn your tresses into an exciting volcanic hair eruption.
Tattoo shop after tattoo shop has turned you away with horrified expressions as you attempt to get Arg’s face inked onto your neck. But don’t despair, you can now design your own temporary tattoo of any design, size and number! You can have the whole cast covering your arms and shins, with Nanny Pat’s front porch emblazoned on your forehead.
A Carrier Bag from Minnie’s Boutique
Forget that Louis Vuitton or Fendi clutch – this is the only bag you will ever need for the remainder of your natural life. Pick up a paper bag from the original TOWIE emporium, run by Billie, Sam, Libbie and Suzanne and seen frequently on the show. And it’s only £1. What are you waiting for, get one now! In fact, for that price, get two!
While the rest of your body reeks pure class, the end of your hands are minging. Urgh, just look at them, they make me want to physically wretch. For the love of Shiva, get some of these nail wraps featuring popular ‘young person’ slogans such as ‘What Eva’, ‘Shut Up’ and ‘The Ordination of Women Bishops is Long Overdue’.
Hopefully someone has tipped the hotel off about the Reem/TOWIE connection to that phrase, or else they must be getting very confused by the constant enquiries and crank calls. But to enjoy the full Essex experience, head to peaceful Bayswater and stay at the Reem which features a 24 hour reception, ironing facilities and pictures of pots on the walls.
Tired of celebrating someone’s birthday and not seeing their baffled looks of confusion as they open your card? Remedy the situation by presenting them with this gift item featuring small rodents in shades that represents Essex in some way. Are Guinea Pigs native to Frinton? Or could the person creating this lovely novelty only open Guinea Pigs file in their Photoshop and think, ‘that will do?’ We may never know.