How to Survive Your Next Shark Attack

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First, the good news. Statistically, most people who are attacked by sharks survive. Only 20% of shark attacks are fatal. While we’re talking numbers, it’s reassuring to know that shark attacks don’t happen very often either. In 2013, there were just 72 confirmed attacks by sharks worldwide. Not all sharks attack either. Of the 480 recorded shark species, only three have been known to attack the hairless chimpanzee we call “humans” in more than double figures. Those sharks are the great white, the bull shark and the tiger shark. Now the bad news. Sharks are apex predators, designed to dominate their environment totally. They are organic machines made for aquatic killing, fashioned from muscle and teeth, with senses honed to detect movement and smell blood. If a shark decides to attack you, there’s no winning for you. There’s only survival. Luckily, you’re reading this – so if you ever do get munched by a shark, you’ll know exactly what to do. Shark strategies There are two basic kinds of shark attack; provoked and an unprovoked. Provoked attacks are just about what they sound like. Funnily enough, if you poke a shark with a stick or swim around waving your flippers…

How To Dance Like Nobody’s Watching

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It’s a phrase we’ve heard a lot in recent times. ‘Dance like nobody’s watching’. It was famously coined in the past by a very notable person. But what exactly does it mean? How do you go about it? Can it improve and inspire your life? Does it hurt? All these questions and some other ones will be answered in good time. By following these simple steps you’ll soon be dancing like nobody’s watching you. STEP 1: MINDSET Dancing like nobody’s watching isn’t about dancing. In fact, that’s the last thing that it’s about. Until you get to the bit with the dancing. But before then it’s all about attitude. A distinctly selfish attitude. You basically have to assume that you are the only important factor on the planet right now and you have no regard whatsoever for anything else, be they animal vegetable or pliable. You have to fully convince yourself that no one else exists. And anyone that does exist, you can drive away by your behaviour. This mental attitude begins at home. Start by refusing to answer the door, ignoring phone calls and allowing bills to pile up. Change your Facebook status to ‘Dead’. Insult or attack close friends or family…

Britain VS Americans: Who is Better & Why?

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Ever since we discovered them a couple of hundred years ago (give or take) and gave them language and shoes, there has been a certain rivalry between the nations of Great Britain and the United States of America. We sent them The Beatles, they retaliated with Madonna. We have Bond, they have Bourne. They came and helped out during World War II, so we sent over Russell Brand to star in Arthur. But we feel this tension has to come to an end. So we have devised this very scientific survey to decipher once and for all who is the greatest country-based area. Is it us or is it them. Or is it Canada? (Just kidding, it’s never Canada). COUNTRY SHAPE If aliens do attack the planet (and they will, just listen to David Icke) they’ll look down at all those country outlines and think ‘Which one is the nicest? We’ll start by invading that one.’ Obviously it’ll be a toss-up between the British isles and North America. And while the UK resembles a little man turned to the left and shaking hands with Ireland, America looks more like flattened out pastry when you roll it out wrong and have…

How To Plan An All-American Road Trip

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The great American road trip. Vast, craggy landscapes orange-soaked in desert sunbeams, two lane blacktop stretching to the horizon. The coffee, black as the hearts of men, pie spilling cherries like gut-shot cowboys. The dusty roads and gas station assignations between… This grand continent fought for and gained its independence from us back in 1776. As the US celebrates again this July the 4th, maybe it’s time for us Brits to reflect on what we lost when the original colonists separated from the Mother country. There’s a reason there are no movies about commuting from Reading to Norwich. America is a land of limitless contrasts, from lush forest and mountains in the midwest, to snowy-peaks along the Canadian border, to the red desert between Los Angeles and Las Vegas. And the only way to truly experience it, is to drive through it. This is a land conquered by the car. No wilderness has been left unscarred by road, no desert unmarked by tracks. And Seven Elevens. And Piggly Wigglies. If you want to see the USA, you should do it as God intended; in a 2.0 litre saloon. Hallelujah, brethren. But where do you start? Getting your wheels First things first, you’re going to…

How To Bribe: A Cinematic Guide

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Obviously bribery is very bad. Possibly illegal in some countries. We do not condone it or advise it. Good honest hard work and constant prayer are a far more effective method of getting ahead in life. But, in theory, if you were playing a briber in a local amateur dramatics production or decided to dress up as one for Halloween, how would you go about it? Ironically, as it is the cleanest, most respectful and wholesome industry on the planet, Hollywood can provide some very useful tips on corruption, from the best approach to novel delivery techniques. Watch and learn (but don’t replicate). THE PIE BRIBE (The Shawshank Redemption) One of the problems with bribery is actually delivering the contraband to the bribee without raising suspicions. One sure-fire to achieve this is via pies. Sweet pies work better than meat ones (the gravy can get the money greasy) just make sure they are large enough to cover and conceal the cash. THE DOUGHNUT BRIBE (Strange Brew) And sometimes you don’t even need the cash, just the dessert will do! As this scene from the little seen classic Strange Brew indicates. So if you are planning to add a little corruption to…

How To Go Travelling (Not On Holiday)

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Travelling is a very different thing to just going on holiday. When you travel, you see the world and soak up its culture. You spend time getting to know places and people; their customs and rituals. When you go on holiday you spend a week eating egg and chips in a hot country. Going on holiday, you come back with ten days worth of identical memories and a phone full of sunsets. When you travel, you change your life. You become a different person. That’s why it’s worth dropping out for a year to do it properly. But to do it properly, you’ll need to plan – which is where we come in! Choose Where to Go We’re going to suggest you experience one fairly large part of the Earth in depth, because travel isn’t fast food. The world is your oyster and, like oysters you should savour the experience. That doesn’t mean you should restrict your year off to a tour of Bognor Regis and its surroundings, but choosing a distinct geographical area has advantages. You’ll have time to absorb the culture better You’ll be able pick up regional travel deals and discounts You may be able to learn…

How To Return To Real Life After Glastonbury

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WOW! That was some Glastonbury Festival wasn’t it? The weather was so… inconsistent. There was the AMAZING return of that guy who sang that song in the 1970’s. Remember that guy with the great big flag who stood right in front of you during your favourite musical outfit? But now you’re back in your bedsit/childhood bedroom/car with nothing but your memories and that rash. Isn’t it terrible? You need to readjust to your boring, non-tent based life – but don’t throw yourself into your old routine too quickly or you could end up with a condition known as ‘Post Glasto Bends’ where you freak out, grow some dreads and become the bass player in Ozric Tentacles. And nobody wants that. Instead follow these few simple tips to help you slip back into your old existence without too many harmful repercussions. DON’T WASH Smell is considered one of the most powerful senses. And you are sure to smell your most powerful on the Monday morning after a major festival. By showering or having someone hose you down in the driveway, all those olfactory memories will soon be washed away, along with that unfortunate henna tattoo of Yoda that you got on your…

What Dog Names Say About Their Owners

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It’s National Take Your Dog To Work Day! No matter when you’re reading this, it’s National Take Your Dog To Work Day, as it’s a completely made up thing. Probably devised by the ‘Make Your Office Smell Like a Dog Council of Great Britain’ (MYOSLDCGB). But it is a fine example of our cultish, almost dangerous affection we have for our dogs. We buy them clothes, we send them off on exotic holidays, we hire expensive psychiatrists to deal with their neurosis. And we pick up their poo in tiny bags. But does the name that we give them reflect something about our own personality and nature? Yes, yes it does. As you will discover… ROVER/BUTCH/LASSIE Traditional. You yearn for a dog from the old days who would pull clumsy toddlers from mine shafts and alert you when a fire had erupted down near the old creek and Timmy was in danger. You are utterly delusional, living in a world that no longer exists, where children went up chimneys and muffin men roamed the street, distributing their sweet breads to unsuspecting Londoners. FLUFFY/SKIPPY/MIMSY Cute. You fetishise your animal and wish it to be a toy that is played with and…

How To Smoke A Fine, Fine Cigar

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Smoking cigars has a very old school, upper-crust, Gentleman’s club vibe about it. It’s redolent of the leather Chesterfield in the drawing room after dinner, a fine Cognac warming in a glass next to the fire as a couple of chaps puff on a pair of Havanas. But, things change and you no longer have to wait for an invite to the Groucho or for one of your friends to have a baby before indulging in a cigar. All you have to do is go to the right shop, buy one and smoke it. It’s a free world, after all. An occasional cigar is a pleasure you can’t beat, on a par with a sneaky nip of single malt at the weekend or splashing out on a special bottle of red. And like wine and whisky, there’s a little bit of specialist knowledge you’ll need to enjoy your cigar at it’s best. We take you through buying a great cigar, then offer a few tips on getting the best out of your smoke.  Go to a specialist cigar shop or club They’re becoming a rare sight on high streets full of electronic cigarette shops, but the best place to go for…

How To BS Like A Wine Expert

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“Oh, this has glorious undertones of russet.” “Goodness, you can really smell the loam.” “Sharp pangs of tangerine. I don’t even want to spit it into this bucket!” Yes, wine people. We’ve all heard them, we’ve all stood next to them, we’ve all pitied them. But what the hell they talking about? Do the things that they ramble on about actually make sense? Does that weird slobbery thing they do with their mouth before spitting actually achieve anything? Can’t we all just admit that all wine basically tastes the same? But if you wish to wrestle back the reins of wine from the connoisseurs and self-appointed sommeliers, all you need to do is follow a few simple steps and drop a number of notable buzzwords. Before you know it, you’ll be sniffing disapprovingly at a barbecue Merlot like a professional. KNOW WHAT WINE IS Sounds stupid I know, but it’s remarkable how little people actually know about wine production and how it goes from grape juice to great juice (which is what I call it. I call wine ‘great juice’). The elements that go into wine production, the region, the sugar content of the grapes (known as the ‘brix’), the weather:…