There is nothing worse than getting dumped. OK, there are seven things worse than getting dumped, but they are all really sad and painful (and one involves volcanoes), so let’s not dwell on them.
And the most distressing element of suddenly finding oneself single? Thinking about all the fun that your previous conquest is having without you. How can that be fair? It can’t, that’s how ‘be’ it is. But can this balance be redressed, without an appearance in the local newspaper and graffiti appearing on various nearby bus shelters close to your home, referring to you as ‘a shorter Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction’.
We have just the thing! With our new service, Rent-a-Rebound, we weave a fictional tapestry of positive re-enforcement, whereby you are paired with the perfect virtual partner who plasters your various social media outlets with glittering flattery, exceptionally thoughtful comments and a wealth of dates that would make Beyonce and Jay-Z puke with jealousy.
Now remember, none of this is real. It’s simply a smokescreen so that any previous lovers, or those that have foolishly forsaken your love, can see how blissfully fulfilled you are in every avenue of your life and are now regretting that series of texts and that crudely drawn diagram they faxed over, pointing out that you were no longer together and can they have their Borgen boxset back.
Depending on which Rent-a-Rebound programme you pick, there can be a full-scale love blitz or a series of flirtatious asides, all scientifically designed to inflame jealous neurons. All branches of social media, with all the major players, can be included and our magically secret algorithm ensures that these made-up messages appear at times when your ex boyf or girlf are logged on… and soon, cheesed off.
Major media outlets have already expressed their happiness at this development. One, which refers to itself as ‘The Daily Telegraph‘ described Rent-a-Rebound as ‘reaching new levels of insanity’. Yeah, insanity OF FUN. You can read their opinions RIGHT HERE
While the always sensual Dude I Want That loved our enterprise, possibly a little too much. I think they may have been through some stuff. Give us a call if you need to talk, right guys? Read their write-up OVER HERE
And if you’re ready to put the wind right up that former special someone in your life, head over THIS WAY and book yourself a Rent-a-Rebound session for yourself. You could be dating an imaginary astronaut this very afternoon. And would your ex approve? No, they simply would not. And that is why you’ll win.