One is a little embarrassed to find that the Royal finances are not exactly in a rosy state and the nation’s most famous pensioner is more than a little short of cash. With her palace falling into disrepair and standards of living to uphold, it appears that the Queen may well have to resort to some desperate or unusual measures to perk up those royal coffers.
But Liz and co have nothing to worry about! We’ve devised a number of perfectly practical manoeuvres to raise some more of those bits of paper and metal with your picture on them.
Wouldn’t we all like to know what really goes in behind those big, opulent gates? Well what about a TV company stumping up some serious cash to persuade the Royal family to star in their own reality TV show: The Big Buck House? Obviously we can all probably guess the outcome, with Andrew getting kicked off swiftly with the least amount of votes and Prince Philip reigning supreme with his singular brand of acerbic wit and fantastic non-PC one-liners.
Or even a royal version of Benefits Street, showing the royal household trying to make ends meet with the paltry amounts we give to them each year? We can call it Benefit’s Mall.
Getting Crown To Business
What about a Bling and Buy sale? Her Maj (as she must be called if we are talking bling) has a few tasty rocks in her collection and if she can’t bear to part with them then perhaps she could still make a few quid renting them out for some red carpet bling-hungry starlets and hip-hop artistes.
What must upset the Queen is to see all those imposters making money as Queen Lookalikes, well why not grab a piece of the action yourself your majesty? No one would believe that she was the real thing when opening the Crowborough village fete and at least she would be earning some extra money just for being herself, although the danger is that she might get turned down by the agency for looking nothing like her!
Change one’s shopping habits – Harrods and Fortnum & Mason do a nice foie gras but if you are cutting back then Lidl brand duck style pate spread is rather special too. You never know, she might even get some freebies or a discount if she lets them put that lovely Warrant of Appointment above the door.
With a bit of creative thinking you can soon come up with some exciting commercial opportunities to raise extra cash by using all those Royal connections and properties. Football stadiums raise cash by flogging their name to a sponsor so what about selling the rights to Buckingham Palace? Brand Beckham would surely be interested in the idea of Beckingham Palace. And there is a real opportunity for Sandringham House. Norfolk is really only famous for Stephen Fry and the one and only Alan Partridge, so why not get a piece of the action?
Ladies and gentleman I give you Sandringham FM, north Norfolk’s most listened-to daytime royal radio station, broadcasting live to Wisbech, Kings Lynn and surrounding areas and hosted by Sir Alan Partridge (that would be part of the deal) who can then truly say that he is a Norfolk Knight.
Ermine a Bit of Cash
With the amount of money needed, her Majesty may well have to consider a part-time job to supplement her income and might one suggest that there are two unique services she could provide.
No one knows how to curtsy properly and if you are the Queen, it must surely get on your nerves to see all your loyal subjects collapsing in front of you like a poorly constructed Ikea shelving unit, so earn some extra money and teach people how it should be done. That’s Tuesday and Thursday evening’s taken care of, so there will still be time for waving lessons. No one knows how to shake their hands out of a window better than the Queen so why not get those gloves on and give it a go for some extra cash.
Not only is the Queen short of cash but apparently the boilers in Buckingham Palace are on their last legs, so why not try to get some posh plumbers to replace them for free in return for some decent publicity, as long as they are corgi registered of course.
If all else fails and one is so desperate for cash that one will do anything, then what about suing the remaining band members of that famous rock band for copyright infringement, after all there is only one real Queen.