Amazingly, sex was not invented by the Millennials. We did have erotic artefacts and suggestive materials back in the deep, dark, pre-internet days. They were all just really, really weird. And not very sexy. Almost as if we couldn’t really cope with that actual hanky-panky itself and had to dress the whole process up in a variety of novelty items and odd movements. They truly were innocent, baffling times.
Back in the early 1980’s, pictures of naked people were considered far more acceptable and tantalising when a variety of fruits and vegetables were stuck on top of or near to the participants private parts. In the old days, you couldn’t move for nudes with a tastefully draped pineapple obscuring their modesty or else a couple of kumquats replicating the disguised organs, released as several volumes of a hardback, coffee table book called Rude Food. Many confused newlyweds fruitlessly searched for the fruit on their honeymoon.
SUGGESTIVE ARM GESTURES
Drop a sexy lady into any 1970’s sitcom or saucy English movie and you would be guaranteed to see a vicar tugging at his shirt collar before riding his bike into a hedge and a labourer of some variety vigorously thrusting a fist into the air, while grasping the inner arm firmly with the other hand and making a sound similar to ‘phwoar’ or ‘not half’. Now we live in far more enlightened times. And we’re also all too unfit to attempt such things.
For a spell in the mid 1980’s, the entire nation were enamoured of this crudely rendered cartoon penis. Willie was a bestselling book, then a film, board game, t-shirt and action figure. For a while, you couldn’t move in charity shops for Willie merchandise and then just as quickly, it all seemed to vanish. There is possibly a Willie mountain in a landfill somewhere. WARNING: VIDEO HAS WICKED WILLIE IN IT
STEAMY AEROBICS VIDEOS
In the days before super fast download speeds, we had to take our erotica anywhere we could find it. Foreign films, novelty pens where people’s clothes fell off, Eurotrash, tyre calendars and mail order catalogues all provided some much needed sexual frisson. When the aerobics boom erupted in the 1980’s, pioneered by Jane Fonda, there were suddenly a plethora of lycra-clad, day-glo leotard wearing female fitness fanatics, bending and thrusting, which certain types of gentleman (and ladies I imagine) ogled, which now seems rather depressing.
There might be some edible panties still loitering around questionable retail outlets, but if you are tempted to buy a pair, I would check the sell-by date first as they almost certainly come from the last century. There are so many questions attached to this fashion item, but I don’t think I can proffer any of them in a family website like this one. Let’s just say ‘why?’ and quickly move on.
RED SHOE DIARIES
Not necessarily Red Shoe Diaries in particular, but that genre of vaguely sexy, Showtime style television programmes that had some catch-all premise (agony uncle, fancy hotel, call-in radio show) used to frame a series of R rated exploits, that always seemed to be filmed slightly out of focus. There would almost certainly be a naked lady in a fur coat and a shower scene and a detective on the trail of a murderer for some reason.
Just like Red Shoe Diaries, I’m thinking of that style of saucy British film from the 1970’s, which featured a ‘randy’ blue collar worker and a bevy of ‘dolly birds’. Just try to watch one of these films today and you will find the whole endeavour very questionable, unless you are screening it from a sociology point of view. They were usurped in the 1980’s by the Porky’s/Lemon Popsicle brand of teenage sex romp, which laid the foundations for American Pie and Road Trip. How does Robin Asquith sleep at nights?
CHEAP SEXY PAPERBACKS
The recent 50 Shades of Grey phenomena unleashed an avalanche of self-published erotic literature. But it was just the latest wave of this particular fictional form. In the 70’s and 80’s there was a whole host of sub-Story of O types books, not aimed at the romance reader who wanted something a bit more spicy, but marketed to the dirty old man crowd. They were usually penned by ‘Anonymous’ and tended to be Victorian in nature, featuring ladies of good standing corrupted by devious gentlemen due to some financial impropriety. Reading filth! In a book! It all sounds so quaint.
CARDS IN NEWSAGENTS WINDOWS
‘French polishing’. ‘Private tuition’. ‘Lawn mower for sale – one careful owner’. In the deep dark mists of the past, attempting to unearth some seedy, sordid activity had to be coerced via a covert system of code words and vague intimation that only the truly perverted could decipher. Until you had mastered this system of sexual hieroglyphics, you might contact someone about a chest of drawers, expecting something else and end up with a chest of drawers. It was a minefield.