It’s going to be the biggest cultural event in the history of mankind (and animalkind) so far. Yes, we had lots of hype surrounding the last batch of Star Wars films and, yes, they were all slightly disappointing. But things are going to be be completely different this time. I mean, how crazy would they be to make the same mistakes again, right? So, with a mere 18 months until Episode VII is released, here’s what we think will happen…
THE FULL TITLE
At the moment, the film is only known as ‘Episode VII’, with the full name yet to be revealed. We know it takes place 30 years or so after Return of the Jedi and involves a bunch of youngsters as well as the original cast, so something hip and child-friendly will probably be incorporated. Maybe something along the lines of Star Wars Episode VII – ‘Han Yolo Twerks a Selfie’ or similar.
THE RETURN OF THE CANTINA BAND
Easily the stand-out moment of the original film, A New Hope, was the appearance of the tootling space-jazz band, who were seen rocking out in the Mos Eisley Cantina. But what have the guys been up to since then? Episode VII catches up with the group, who are still touring Tatooine with their 30th Anniversary ‘Doot Doot Doot Doot Do Do Doo, Dootty Dootty Dootty Do Doo’ tour.
CARTWHEEL LIGHT SABRES
Everyone was excited by the double-headed light sabres brandished by Darth Maul and his ilk during the Star Wars prequels. How can they top that? Maybe with a multi-spoked sabre featuring many laser spokes that will look highly attractive at the IMAX and during the rave scene which will be featured prominently in the film.
CEREMONIAL EXECUTION OF JAR JAR BINKS
Let’s face it, they tried and they failed with Jar Jar. They wanted a character who would attract the kids but found a character that repelled everybody. However, the writers have a plan to make amends in the new film that will feature a traitorous plot against the rebellion with Jar Jar convicted as the ringleader. During a twelve minute sequence, he will slowly be pulled apart by Tauntauns before being eaten by that weird desert butt monster thing.
HAN SOLO’S PRONOUNCED LIMP
Actor Harrison Ford’s leg injury has been well reported in recent weeks. Production has ground to a halt, but with so many millions of dollars on the line, the producers can’t wait forever for Han to recover. So we have it on good authority that Ford will appear with a leg cast, which will be hidden behind various large interstellar objects, Wookies or possibly CGI’d into a Jabba style cackling little pal who will be constantly at Solo’s side.
EWOKS Vs WOOKIES
Little did we realise that the two notable furry races from the Star Wars universe are in fact bitter enemies. Ewoks were the main food source for Wookies until they escaped to the hideous, practically uninhabitable land of Endor. Now the Ewoks are seeking revenge and launch an all-out attack on the Wookie homeworld, singing that Yub Nub song until the hairy giants surrender.
If there has been one major cinematic development in the last few years, it’s been the total domination of zombies. These living cadavers have invaded popular culture and can be seen all over films, TV shows and comics. And now in Star Wars! Rather than appearing as a glowing, slightly awkward looking ghostly figure, this time the previous Jedi Knights that have passed on will show up as hideous flesh munching zombies. Zombie Yoda develops a particular predilection for human knee meat. Chew your face he will.
Yes, on the outside Jabba the Hutt appeared to be a grotesque, beige coloured, bullying loan shark, but behind the scenes he was a loving family man. After his unfortunate strangling at the hands of Leia, his eldest offspring, Jabba Jr, tries to find his father’s vanquisher and seek vengeance. But, as he’s also a giant cumbersome space slug, he doesn’t get very far.
HARDCORE TRADE NEGOTIATIONS
One vital element introduced into the later films were the extended trade negotiation segments, with various space creatures debating the intricacies of long-standing fiduciary agreements and sub-clauses. But don’t worry, as well as being additional negotiating segments in the first new film, one of the consequent episodes will be ONLY trade talks. So buckle up.
A GIANT ACTION FIGURE COLLECTING NERD
While the previous instalments have had everything to delight massive sci-fi nerds, they have yet to see themselves reflected in the films. That is all about to change as Episode VII introduces the character of Comicon, a trader in tiny figures of space heroes and densely illustrated books dedicated to their exploits. Comicon saves all the principal characters from a Boba Fett, thanks to his impressive negotiating skills and finally gets a girlfriend.
SHOOTING A SMALL MISSILE INTO A TINY HOLE
It was the crescendo to at least two of the films so, superstitious to a fault, George Lucas feels there has to be scene where a tiny little laser bomb travels along a trench and enters a minute shaft leading to the destruction of an enormous space station. In fact he started with this scene and added everything else afterwards. But when it happens, try to act surprised.
EXTENDED MEDAL CEREMONY
My only criticism of the original Star Wars film was the curtailed medal giving ceremony at the end. It was so brief! Thankfully, I understand that all the action takes place in the first forty minutes of the new movie with the rest given over to the presentation of baubles. We’ll also see the setting up of the victory plinth, the unfurling of the red carpet and the rebel leader practicing his speech.