Obviously, the find the whole idea of X-rated entertainment and erotic cinematic elements to be vile and unethical. But there is no escaping it. We are now bombarded with love scenes from every television soap opera, foreign film and petrol station forecourt. And we are appalled. What about us pure, upstanding individuals who are forced to experience this stuff? Surely there’s some room for invention in an attempt to keep us feeling less embarrassed, especially if our mum is in the room? I believe the following elements would vastly improve adult situations when they crop up and make them more palatable to those of us who consider the whole thing utterly wicked.
If you are of a queasy nature (like myself) you’ll often be squirming in your seat when some rude scenario suddenly appears on screen. But if some competition element was introduced, I could be entertained and distracted during those bits. Perhaps a Krypton Factor style observation quiz could be added, with questions appearing at the end of the scene along the lines of ‘What colour were the curtains?’, ‘Which female celebrity does that lady look like?’ or ‘How would you react if your gran walked in right now?’ Just for a bit of fun, no cash prizes would be offered.
NAKED CAR CHASES
Just imagine! One of the stars of the show is doing their thing. Then suddenly a figure passes by the window. They stop what they’re doing, narrow their eyes and scream ‘MENDOZA!’ Then rush from the room and, with no time to dress, leap into a hot Chevy to pursue their foe (who is also naked for some reason) through the streets of Lower Manhattan, only to lose them in traffic, slap the steering wheel in frustration before returning to the bedroom.
How many times have you witnessed a steamy scene and thought, ‘that’s a lovely bedspread, I wonder where they got it from?’ Surely in this technological age, you should be able to hover the cursor over any item that you take a shine to, or press the red button, and be offered a link to Amazon or a similar retailer. Or commercial messages could be scrawled across the naked flanks of the participants. I mean, that flesh is just sitting there, empty and unused. Wouldn’t it be refreshing if a gentleman removed his tank top to reveal the words ‘You’re So Money Supermarket’?
PUPPET VERSION OF BYE BYE BIRDIE
This is all about multi-tasking, both for the participants and the viewer. There are frequently redundant limbs on display while fictional congress is in progress, I don’t see why hand puppets can’t be applied to these extremities and a marionette production of a musical or perhaps a theatrical two-hander be presented. You could avert your eyes from the fevered exploits on offer and also be entertained and educated. Whether the performers themselves wish to provide the dialogue, or the voices of Martin Jarvis and Zoe Wanamaker are dubbed over the action, is up to the director and their vision.
One issue I have with spicy moments in foreign movies is you can get a little tired of staring at the self same talent sweating and groaning for an extended period of time. To spice things up, and take my mind off things, I’d be delighted if, halfway through the action a doorbell is heard and suddenly a minor celebrity walked into shot, smiling and waving, accompanied by a fanfare. Someone along the lines of Chico or Brian Blessed or the lady who is always on Gardener’s World. Then they could either exit the scene completely, or else take a seat and silently stare at the goings on.
INTRODUCE A REFEREE
Ever since the Olympics, it’s safe to say that the entire nation has become competitive event crazy. And since so much filmed rudeness is slightly formulaic, how difficult would it be to apply a few basic rules to the unfolding behaviour? Perhaps a rudimentary off-side rule, a few time restrictions or even a penalty for ‘handling in the box’? Obviously an experienced referee would have to oversee the action, blowing a whistle when an infringement occurs and issuing cards to those in the wrong. And perhaps a pundit providing expert commentary on the unfolding events. Scores could be given, with the winner moving onto meet Helen Mirren in the semis.
The problem with period dramas in this day and age is they always inject an unexpected scene of naughtiness, just to keep you on your toes. Taking a cue from everyone’s favourite part of both Bargain Hunt and Flog it, the sections where the host visits a local folly or stately home, some historical commentary could be included at these moments. While the strapping young stable lad and bonnet wearing lady of the house are entwining in various notable rooms and inglenook fireplaces, we could hear some salient facts concerning their history and heritage. Perhaps a blacksmith could pop in and show us some examples of his craft? That would be nice.
Who doesn’t love a gag, goof or mess-em-up? They certainly improved the closing credits of both The Cannonball Run and The Cannonball Run II. Just to take the edge off some of the more explicit moments in certain films (French) it would be wonderful to witness a You’ve Been Framed style round-up of any errors that occurred. Add a few appropriate sound effects and the theme from The Benny Hill Show and you’ve got yourself an entertainment powerhouse.