A Once in a Lifetime Downing Street Deal…

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We’re offering big, big savings with this once-in-a-lifetime Downing Street deal! 

Shuffling into the voting booth at some inner-city Primary School causing flashbacks to the time you wet yourself in while dressed as a shepherd is an utterly depressing experience. Surely there has got to be a better way? There is! Cash!

Sidestep all that ridiculous talking, petitioning and offering a lucid argument nonsense that completely clogs up our democratic process. Cut out the red tape through the use of white hot dosh.

In this very exclusive, limited time offer, for a small *cough* “donation” of – let’s say £250,000 – you can actually get inside 10 Downing Street, and next door to Number 11 for slightly less.

‘That’s too much’ I hear you cry into your Quavers. Don’t worry, packages for all cheapskates are available:

£10,000 – The ‘Regional Mayor’

A Polaroid of you and your pleading face will be slipped under the door of a random government official including a four word message stating your case.

£50,000 – The ‘Middling CEO’

A junior minister will sit next to you at the event of your choice (rugby match, pantomime, peep show) for a period of eight minutes, nodding sagely as you gabble your crazy plans into their ear.

£100,000 – The ‘Minor Illuminati Member’

A photo-op outside the door of Number 10 where the Prime Minister (Deputy Prime Minister if raining) will crouch and give a ‘thumbs up’gesture, while you hold up a small placard advertising your cause or intentions.

£250,000 – The ‘Low-level Member of Saudi Royalty’

A full day experience, so bring a flask. Enter Number 10 Downing Street and be allowed to steal one item of your choice. Use the toilet. See where they keep the hats. Use the toilet again. Try to remember to lobby for a change in policy or direction entirely beneficial to you. Don’t cry. Final use of toilet.

Then shake his hand, leave and do what you want to the policeman standing outside as they are not allowed to move or react in any way (Is that right? I think so. Try it anyway).

Even the Magisterial Stephen Fry has become visibly excited by this offer:

It works on continental Europe and their financial institutions have never been more robust. Pay your way to have your say! Today!