If you were to run up to a stranger in the street and scream into their faces, ‘Quickly, who are the two premiere male spy movie icons in the world?’ they would almost certainly reply with fear, ‘James Bond and Jason Bourne. Please don’t hurt me.’ And they would be right! But who is the better espionage agent, the classic, crusty, drunken James Bond or the young, brain-damaged usurper Jason Bourne. Let’s find out together…
If you are to be a true gentleman spy, then initials are vitally important. You’ll want to have every possible possession monogrammed, even if you are traveling incognito. Of course, with both James and Jason they are JB’s. But, as is so often the case with these things, it’s more complicated than that.
Jason is actually JCB, having the middle name Charles, which is a lot better than Bond’s plain old JB. But let us not forget, Jason Bourne isn’t really Jason Bourne, it’s just one of his many aliases. As far as we can assess, he is really called David Webb, which is a rubbish name. And DW are rubbish initials.
Certainly, Bond can use his fists when he is in a tight squeeze, against the faces of either sex. But really, he’d much rather be shooting a baddie in the stomach or neck than dirtying his hands with their blood. Bourne is basically a punching machine.
With his mysterious military training, he can swiftly kill a man with a single knuckle. His speed is remarkable and his accuracy is the envy of government sponsored murderers everywhere. Who would win a punch fight? I think we all know.
Sean Connery had it in his contract that he would never skip, leap or limbo in any Bond film. Roger Moore was incapable of jumping. Daniel Craig has such an acute fear of heights that even hovering a few inches off the ground makes him squeal like a child before fainting. None of the Bonds are jumpers.
Whereas Bourne is forever springboarding over low walls, car bonnets and dead bodies. He’s like a kangaroo with a really thick neck. Oh yes, there is a Bourne Supremacy and that supremacy is jumping.
Not the most fair of competitions. Let’s face it, Jason Bourne basically dresses like a hobo. If you saw him loitering by the Claire’s Accessories in the shopping centre you’d probably alert the security personnel. He tends to dress for comfort. ‘Can I easily snap the throat of a would-be assassin in these slacks?’ That kind of thing.
Bond is never too far away from a tuxedo. Even in the bath he wears tailor-made paisley swimming trunks. Though everything is made from polyester, to get the blood out easily.
Has Bourne ever been near a speedboat? I can’t even remember him near a marina, let alone a harbour. He tends to favour fast cars or public transport, so if he was on a floating craft it would probably be a ferry. Easily the most depressing of all vehicles.
Bond not only loves a speedboat, his speedboat has got a gun in it. And a flamethrower. And it’s able to leap over fat southern sheriffs and alligators and giant baddies with metal teeth.
GETTING ON WITH IT
One thing you can say about Jason Bourne; he get’s on with it. He is all business. He needs to find out who he is, discover who is trying to kill him and strangle a few people with towels.
Poor old Bond does tend to waffle on a fair amount. He’s always hanging about in casinos, drinking heavily and seducing women with comical names. One minute he’s in Istanbul and suddenly he turns up in Zagreb. In a submarine! Yes, Bourne is our definitely our non-procrastination candidate.
HAVING SEX IN SPACE
He’s been up on a few roofs and possibly a couple of bridges, but Jason Bourne hasn’t even left the lower atmosphere! I mean, it’s ridiculous! Let alone getting his kit off and getting down to it in zero gravity.
In some films it feels like that’s all James Bond does. The seconds after the title appears, he’s in some kind of lunar vehicle with a twinkle in his eye. I think if there are any future Bourne ventures, they really need to add a bit of space hanky-panky or I, for one, will not be attending.
Bond never forgets a name and a face. His intense British Secret Service training is based on civility and good manners, where memory plays a leading role. Should a gentleman spy be introduced to someone and they fail to recall their previous encounter, they’d be compelled to quickly move to a nearby room and make the ultimate sacrifice. Suicide. By shooting.
Bourne’s life is plagued by gormless expressions, fervent head scratching and endlessly failing to remember where he’s put his keys. Brain wise, he is hopeless.
Was there any doubt? Classy, murderer Bond completely trounces modern, jumping, killer Bourne. With his speedboat, cognitive and space sex capabilities, he really is the consummate espionage agent. But don’t despair Jason! Chances are you won’t remember any of this anyway.