Scientists have recently proven, beyond all doubt, that celebrities do indeed have the best parties. Not very good scientists, obviously, but scientists all the same. Beyond the velvet rope and the burly bouncers, there’s a whole world that pathetic mortals like us can only dream about. Strange exotic canapés, booze distilled from fruits that you have never heard of and formation dance moves that are so unique several years of specialised yoga are required to pull them off. Other than perfecting your Britain’s Got Talent act and actually becoming a celebrity, how can you sniff this rarefied air? Here are a few pointers to get you inside a swell, famed-filled soiree (for the purposes of good obviously, don’t use these tips to do bad things).
DO YOUR RESEARCH
Don’t run from door to door knocking randomly and screaming ‘IS THERE A CELEBRITY PARTY IN HERE?’ Take it from me, that simply doesn’t work. Scour the gossip rags and various scurrilous internet websites for news on album release events, film premières, awards shows, product launches and the like and do a little delving to identify where the after party is going to be. Celebs are always bleating on Twitter about what fabulous event they plan to attend and how wonderful it all is, so keep a track of your faves and their prospective locations.
CASE THE JOINT
Once you know where the party is going to be at, take a little reconnaissance mission and try to identify its weak spots. With hotels, you can just saunter in and wander around, pretending to look for someone. Dig out the function rooms and see if there’s any sneaky access (like a service stairway or the like). Nightclubs are a little more tricky. There’s usually only one way in or out, but there might be a delivery entrance round the back that might be worth investigating.
LOOK THE PART
Once you know what’s happening and where it’s going down, you need to prepare for your crashing plan. As tempting as it may be to dress as a waiter or a janitor or some other wacky character, this will just draw attention to you and attention is the last thing you want. Really, you want to dress to the nines. If you appear rich, important and vaguely unapproachable, people will assume you’re supposed to be there and will leave you alone. Depending on the sort of event you’re going to, an accomplice might help, especially if you know any supermodels of either sex. Walk into a room with someone absolutely stunning on your arm and you probably won’t be asked for your credentials.
You need to be ballsy to pull this stuff off. One important element of this is killing a few nail-biting hours as you turn up at the venue ludicrously early. The important thing is getting inside by any means necessary. Show up when everyone else does, without an invite, and that’s going to be fairly difficult. Show up at five thirty and waltz in with the rest of the staff and pretend to be overseeing various elements of the whole production, you’ll be able to hang out there, no questions asked.
HAVE A BACK STORY
Usually these kind of swanky celebrity bashes are related to some form of media escapade. Film releases, album launches and those sorts of ludicrous event. Just do a little snooping and know the name of the company behind the whole thing. Don’t claim to be affiliated with the celebrity themselves, it’s too easy to check out. But if you’re some vague ‘VP in Charge of Media Continuity’ or something dumb like that, people will buy it. The important thing is believing your own story and exuding sufficient confidence to convince those around you.
MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE STAFF
If you are going the whole ‘cog in the corporate machine’ route, then walk up the wait staff or the security personnel and tell them how great of a job they are doing. Don’t hide away from them, that will just provoke suspicion. Hide in plain sight and make them aware of your presence. It’s better that you approach them and tell them who you are than them approaching you.
DON’T ATTRACT ATTENTION
If you do pull this off and are safely ensconced at the party, don’t freak out when the celebs turn up. Don’t run up to Danny Dyer and scream ‘OMG YOU’RE DANNY DYER!’ in the face of Danny Dyer. If you want to be there for more than ten minutes, you need to play it cool. Try not to get too drunk, even if there’s a tempting open bar. Don’t be the first one on the dancefloor where you show off your ‘signature moves’. And don’t brag to people that you’ve crashed this party and shouldn’t even be there, especially on social media. You will be sought out and ejected.
FORMULATE AN EXIT STRATEGY
Remember that there is a good chance that this whole thing will end in failure and be ready to embrace that when it happens. If you’re busted, just shrug, say fair cop and ask to be escorted to the door. Don’t kick and scream and make a scene. You don’t want to get arrested for this shizzle. Just be nonchalant and tell whoever is dragging you by the collar, ‘hey, at least you’ll get a great story out of this’.