Do you know who isn’t a Freemason? The secret society that supposedly runs politics, finance and all those daytime cookery shows? No-one, that’s who isn’t. Or at least that’s the verdict of the internet which, for some reason, loves the occasional conspiracy theory. While looking into the murky world of Masonic handshakes, I discovered some startling things. Firstly, there’s no such thing as a Masonic handshake (according to the Masons). Secondly, nobody believes this, as the massive amount of evidence posted onto You Tube, showing celebrities and famous figures great and small touching each other in an unusual way, testifies.
EXHIBIT #1: GORDON RAMSAY AND THE HELL’S KITCHEN GANG
Wake up people! It has the word ‘hell’ right there in the title, so you know there’s something shifty going down. After a couple of mysterious ‘chefs’ dressed all in black (I think we all know why) reduce an orange to liquid using voodoo (and soundwaves) the swear-spewing cook clutches one of their hand’s in a very unusual way. Actually in quite a girly way I’d say, like he was greeting an elderly lady of note at a council function. Oh and NASA is involved. Not sure how.
EXHIBIT #2: JAY-Z/NAS/KANYE WEST
What does it take to sell millions of records, be global superstars and attract ladies like Beyonce, Kim Kardashian and whoever Nas goes out with? Perhaps it’s talent and maybe a big dash of luck has a lot to do with it. Or perhaps other diabolical elements are involved. As this (not entirely serious, but feel free to formulate some kind of conspiracy theory anyway) video illustrates.
EXHIBIT #3: LADY GAGA
No! Say it ain’t so! Not Gaga too! Actually I couldn’t focus too closely on Gaga and Leno’s odd hand wrangling as I was rocking out to the sweet, sweet soundtrack that accompanies the video. I tried Shazaming it, but nothing was coming up. I think it might be either Jimi Hendrix or someone better than Jimi Hendrix.
EXHIBIT #4: THE QUEEN
Well, as we say in secret society and lizard people uncovering circles, duh. It’s OBVS that her maj must be an apron-wearer. In fact it’s SUPER OBVS. You don’t get presented with decorative plates, like the one in this video, by NOT being a Freemason. Sadly this film features no guitar based soundtrack at all. In fact, I found the silence quite sinister, so I hummed the tune from the previous video as it played.
EXHIBIT #5: RICK FROM PAWN STARS
Oh no, another reality superstar has the international mysterious organisation to thank for his success and fame. Is all factual television infected in this way? The Real Housewives? The gang from Dance Moms? Nev from The Call Centre? And, in this worrying clip, the Old Man mentions ‘knuckle busters’. A reference to some form of Masonic shake? OF COURSE IT IS.
EXHIBIT #6: BRUCE FORSYTH
The question everyone asks about the evergreen dance show host and comic is ‘what is his secret?’ Well, as this chilling footage indicates, now we know. Actually, the question I always ask concerning Brucie is, ‘what exactly is going on with his hair? It seems the wrong shape to be hair?’ Again, I presume this is something cultish and weird. Perhaps part of the initiation process.
EXHIBIT #7: PAUL MCCARTNEY
What is that strange sinister hand gesture that Paul McCartney is always inflicting on the world? No, not the Illuminati, Masonic, Devil worshipping handshake that’s evident here, I mean the thumbs up thing he’s always doing? He’s in his 70’s. It’s just weird. But all this secret society stuff does make things like the Frog Chorus and it’s unexpected success suddenly make sense.
EXHIBIT #8: TOM CRUISE & RUSSELL BRAND
One is short and American. One is tall, bearded and British. But is matters not a jot. The tentacles reach everywhere. Why else do you think Brand has had such amazing success with films such as Arthur and…erm… And Tom! How has he kept such a low profile and avoided accusations of strange behaviour and a cultish disposition? Oh, right. But together they are all powerful! Remember Rock of Ages? That juggernaut of popular culture that they both…well… OK, this video is 18 minutes long and I might not have got all the way to the end, so it’s all probably explained at some point.
EXHIBIT #9: SOME ROBOT
OK, time to get terrified. Not only is it the fleshy, human world that is affected by this curse, the realm of science is also infiltrated. Now, the next wave of robots, who will be our butlers, carers and lovers, will all be Masons. All have been programmed to shake hands in a wacky way and if you don’t shake back, you can expect some very shoddy service.
EXHIBIT #10: ALL OF MONTY PYTHON
How exactly do you stay top of the comedy tree and remain relevant. I mean, they’re selling out the O2 at an age when most people are confined to a care home that will soon feature on an episode of Panorama. It’s very subtle, but this unnerving documentary footage reveals that their may have been something underhand at work. Watch for yourself and see if you can pick up the subtle clues.