WOW! That was some Glastonbury Festival wasn’t it? The weather was so… inconsistent. There was the AMAZING return of that guy who sang that song in the 1970’s. Remember that guy with the great big flag who stood right in front of you during your favourite musical outfit? But now you’re back in your bedsit/childhood bedroom/car with nothing but your memories and that rash. Isn’t it terrible? You need to readjust to your boring, non-tent based life – but don’t throw yourself into your old routine too quickly or you could end up with a condition known as ‘Post Glasto Bends’ where you freak out, grow some dreads and become the bass player in Ozric Tentacles. And nobody wants that. Instead follow these few simple tips to help you slip back into your old existence without too many harmful repercussions.
Smell is considered one of the most powerful senses. And you are sure to smell your most powerful on the Monday morning after a major festival. By showering or having someone hose you down in the driveway, all those olfactory memories will soon be washed away, along with that unfortunate henna tattoo of Yoda that you got on your neck. This sudden cleansing could seriously unbalance you, so avoid it for several days. If the stench is unbearable, just focus on washing one half of your body. We recommend the lower half.
You brain has been subjected to an immense amount of new sounds and experiences over the weekend. To suddenly immerse it into the ‘straight’ world could provide a shock from which it will never recover. But obviously you can’t carry on drinking; what would your boss at Argos say? So try spinning violently in the centre of your room for a while. A few sustained rotations will help replicate the sensation of a number of days at a rock event. Just don’t eat nachos or Quavers before attempting this.
Scientists have recently proven that no-one has ever slept in a tent ever. It is humanly impossible. The walls are a millimetre thick, draughts whistle through your flaps and it’s hotter and more illuminated than the centre of a thousand suns. Once your back in civilisation, you’ll be tempted to catch up on some much needed slumber. But sudden unconsciousness could throw off your equilibrium. Instead, pay a family member or loved one to enter your room at two hourly intervals, shouting loudly, stepping on your legs and shining a powerful torch into your face.
For the past few days, you have been subsisting on practically no nutrients at all. The closest you’ve come to fruit is that warm extra strength cider you drank at 8AM and the only solid food you’ve experienced is that baked potato that was still frozen in the middle that was grey for some reason. A sudden influx of vitamins and carbohydrates could completely overload your system and lead to some tremendous tummy troubles. Instead, purchase some plain white bread, the cheapest brand available, from your local corner shop and mash this in a bowl with some tepid tap water. Over the coming days and weeks, slowly add elements such as cheese and Maltesers until you are fully recovered.
Researchers recently announced that the average British person enjoys more human contact during a music festival weekend than they will throughout the rest of their lives. The music, the sunshine and the toilets all provoke a sort of euphoria that compels revellers to embrace each other as frequently as practically possible. Oh and drugs. This dramatic removal of bodily closeness can lead to all sorts of neurological inconsistencies. As you slowly readjust to normal life, try to identify fellow festival goers in the street or at social occasions and hug them fervently. If they struggle or resist, merely hug harder.
We hope and pray that your Glastonbury Festival was one of the 8% which was sunny and warm. But if you did spend the three days soggy and chafed, it is vital that you maintain that condition. Your skin would have slowly reverted to its ‘amphibian’ state, altering its composition to contend with this moisture. If it dried out now, it could break off. Ensure that you take a sprinkler or jug with you over the coming weeks and liberally dapple yourself with water as often as socially acceptable. If this seems ineffective at first, try replacing water with Lucozade.
STAND IN A FIELD LOOKING CONFUSED
A recent survey by ‘Festival Fancy’ magazine has shown that four-fifths of your time at any outside musical event is spent in a grassed area, staring at a crumpled damp itinerary trying to decipher which direction you need to walk in while a suspicious man conducts circus activities nearby. That was your whole life for several days and is now imprinted on your DNA. To suddenly revoke this behaviour could cause considerable distress. Find a nearby field or stretch of waste ground. This is now your ‘safe place’. In the days following the festival, spend several hours in this location, holding a damp, distressed map with a dumbfounded expression affixed to your face. If you know any jugglers who could attend, all the better.
DANCE WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED AND ARMS FLAILING
There is a chance that the time your spent at Glastonbury was one of the most aerobically intense periods of your life. Like most British people, for most of your year life is sedentary and prostrate. But for a few exhausting days, you’ve been involved in all manner of exercise such as standing and slowly moving your arms in a vague circular motion and blowing bubbles. A sudden return to your old ways could see your body completely seize up, requiring several weeks of painful physiotherapy and lots of Ralgex. To guard against this, for a few minutes every hour, no matter what you are doing, stand up, close your eyes and drift your limbs in a slightly aggravating manner. This will ensure you avoid a nasty bout of ‘Glastonbury Joint Lock’, a condition that has plagued festival goers and vendors for generations.