If we are to believe glossy magazines, local news programmes and bridge graffiti, then engaging in sexually explicit conversation is a vital part of modern lovemaking. Alongside ‘devices’ and ‘flimsy underwear’ it adds a much needed novelty aspect to the whole endeavour. But if you have been raised, properly, in the British Isles, the thought of this undertaking would surely fill you with revulsion and immediate self-loathing. So how can it be achieved? Here’s a handy guide to talking dirty but still remaining a stolid citizen.
Good areas for this pursuit to occur are the bedroom, the spare bedroom and, on very rare occasions, (possibly a birthday or significant anniversary) the kitchen. Don’t embark on this sort of activity out in public, at a sporting event, while in a motor vehicle, while working heavy machinery or at the seaside. Your own home or a discreet hotel are both acceptable. Ensure that all doors are locked, windows are sealed and heavy furniture is placed against the door where the ribald speech is to be engaged.
HOW TO INITIATE
Like most conversations, you should begin with a firm handshake towards your partner (who is presumably, and I think legally, either your husband and/or wife). Then in an attempt to identify if they are feeling ‘frisky’ or not, a violent raising and lowering of the eyebrows is engaged. Should they blush slightly and raise a fan to their coquettishly tilted face, then it’s all systems go. Before you start to talk dirty, clear your throat by coughing for a minute or so, they say, ‘Errrrrr…’ or ‘Ummmmm.’ This alerts your partner that you are about to speak and the speech involved may well become saucy.
AREAS TO FOCUS ON
Bodily parts are obviously a boon in this instance. But it’s not enough just to point at them and laugh. Try to add a complimentary element. Something along the lines of ‘Goodness, your ___________ certainly do look __________’ or else ‘I like your ____________ they remind me of _____________ which I first saw in _____________ when last on holiday’. Obviously there’s no need to resort to coarseness. The standard, recognised medical terms for all of these appendages should be invoked, rather than vile slang or vulgar terms such as ‘bristols’ or ‘flapjacks’. Also, don’t lower yourself with undignified phrases like ‘You don’t get many of those to the pound’ or ‘Not ‘arf’ while tugging at your shirt collar.
AREAS TO AVOID
Regulation dinner party rules apply to this situation, so both religion and politics are not to be ventured upon. This is not the environment for a fervent debate about the adoption of the Euro or the role of the Church of England in modern society. And try not to make this the forum for any petty domestic squabbles or tittle-tattle about co-workers. Save that for afterwards and focus on the job at hand or hands. Also, do not suddenly stop what you are doing and shout ‘What’s that?’ in a startled tone. If, during the course of your profane conversation and subsequent actions, you are introduced to something you’re not fully conversant with, excuse yourself and retire to be bathroom where you have secreted a doctor’s handbook. Clear up the misunderstanding, wash your hands and return to the arena of battle.
It is vital that when you are releasing this salty exchange, that you do so at the most effective level. Don’t bellow, scream or yodel these dirty words, as this can just exacerbate the situation. Far better is to maintain a restrained volume, but don’t make it too quiet, as this can be sinister. Even though you are venturing into embarrassing, undignified territory, make sure your proclamations can actually be heard by the human ear. I find the ideal volume is comparable to calming a startled pony or disturbed foal. Light, reassuring tones accompanied by a firm patting motion.
Try to refrain from any dramatic hand gestures or sudden thrusting movements, however tempting they may be. In fact, for the beginner, the best approach is to stand perfectly still, across the room from your accomplice. Release your first spicy vocalisation then nod towards your partner to indicate that they should now talk. Once they have said their part, leave a discreet period of time and continue with your next remark. Once there have been twelve to fourteen volleys of conversation, you should both be fairly invigorated. Do not make eye contact.
HOW TO STOP
On many occasions during this supremely unnatural process you may have felt the impulse to bolt from the room and keep running until all the sin has left you. This is a perfectly understandable and very British reaction. It may very well happen on your first few tries. But keep at it, soon naughty chat will seem merely troubling and slightly shameful. Once your dirty talking has reached a decent level and you can accomplish several rounds of badinage without sobbing or calling the police, you must know the precise time to disengage. Usually it’s when your partner appears drowsy or is starting to drop off. Once you notice some yawning or if they have picked up a nearby magazine, end the process as it began. Walk across the room, engage in a firm handshake and then leave. You will almost certainly want to bathe immediately, scrubbing the unseen evil from your body as you cry in horror. If you do not feel this way there is probably something wrong with you. Or you’re foreign.