Holidays would be great if you didn’t have to travel.
Perhaps the most annoying vacation aspect is the airport. Once you’ve checked in, drank heavily and bought a cruller, what’s there left to do? Here are some seriously pointless, utterly ridiculous, potentially life threatening airport time-wasting activities to sort of enjoy…
#1 – Announcement Russian Roulette
Not for the faint hearted. If you’re in a group of like-minded idiots, wait by the gate but don’t board your plane until the last available second. Then sit there in delirious anticipation as the frustrated airline worker continually calls your name over the loud speaker system.
Who will be the last to crack and make themselves known to the counter staff? Will you miss your flight to Bruges completely? Yes. Probably.
#2 – Baggage Steeplechase
Fun to play with friends, or slightly disturbing to those around you if alone.
At the baggage carousel, bet on whose luggage will be first out of the shoot. Dirty tricks such as manoeuvring your suitcase, ‘accidentally’ blocking others and bribing small children to create a diversion are all perfectly allowable.
Side bets on the colour of the first bag to be picked up, the sex of the individual who has a complete meltdown or the most bizarre thing to appear on the conveyor belt (pram, artificial leg, canoe) are also encouraged.
#3 – Departure Lounge Bingo
Takes a bit of preparation, but run up a card featuring a variety of things you will probably see in the holding pen before your flight.
These may include an angry nun, a child having a tantrum, a sad chef, a young couple having a row, someone crying, a stewardess refusing to help somebody, flapjacks, a middle aged man fondling a digital camera in Dixons, a businessman screaming into his Blackberry and Les Dennis.
#4 – Little Cart Rodeo
The little golf cart thing isn’t just for the incredibly famous and the incredibly old. Attempt to finagle your way onto this electrified vehicle, driven by someone unhappy, by any means possible.
Reason could include: ‘I’m very late’, ‘I have a funny knee’, ‘I am the Deputy Sub-Editor of the Daily Star’, ‘I am paparazzi scum and Willie Thorne’s in Terminal 3’, ‘I’ve got to get this semi-skimmed to Costa, stat’, ‘I am actually 86 years old’’.
#5 – Information Screen Drinking Game
Fun for all the family, as long as the family members are old enough to drink alcohol or are French.
Line up at the sad excuse for a drinking establishment in the departure lounge, under the television display screen. Then establish the rules. Perhaps you take a shot of Jager, every time a delay appears. Or if the next flight that pops onto the screen is leaving from an odd numbered gate, a pint of stout must be downed. When a particular flight’s status changes from ‘gate opening’ to ‘boarding’ a gin and tonic must be purchased.
Or focus on the flight at the top of the board and drink something associated with that country: wine it it’s going to France, schnapps if it’s going to Germany, ouzo if it’s going to Greece. The game ends when someone starts to be sick.
#6 – Tut Collecting
This can mainly be enjoyed in British airports.
Partake in some particularly annoying or mildly obnoxious behaviour. Take up too many chairs in the seating area. Completely ignore the intricate queuing system they’ve employed at Boots. Lean over someone at the Duty Free and grab that enormous bottle of Malibu and then lean over again when you realise that would be an insane thing to buy.
See how many people you can get to tut at you. If possible, audio record them on your smartphone. Hours of fun are guaranteed.
#7 – Fake Celebrity Spotting
Position yourself in a good vantage point and glare unremittingly at your fellow travellers trying to ascertain what top stars of stage and screen they resemble.
Is that the obese Tom Cruise over there by Starbucks? Could that possibly be the Egyptian Dot Cotton manhandling that teddy dressed as a Beefeater? Are those two odd looking people having a row outside WH Smiths The Krankies?
The time will just stagger by.
#8 – Overpriced Food Scavenger Hunt
Using your mobile telephone device, pick a customary airport food item (bottled water, ham sandwich, tube of Pringles) and see who can find the most outrageously overpriced example of it, taking a picture for evidence.
#9 – Sweatpant Punch Buggy
A bit like the car game you played on long, boring journeys. You’d punch your companion when a Volskwagon was spotted, possibly with multiple blows depending on the colour.
With the airport version, you do the same when sweatpants are seen. Extra shots can administered if the clothing is of a particular colour, the amount of thong or butt-crack is revealed and if there’s an inexplicable word written on the arse.